Hop Sing, I'd like an explanation for the poor excuse for a supper!

Yeah, Hop Sing. What's the idea serving this thin tea and rolled up weeds and all? You know we want steak and potatoes.

So sorry, Mr. Cartwright. Hop Sing think you want try Chinese food. We eat steak every meal. Hop Sing tired of steak.

HOSS'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN TO HEAR THAT ANYONE WOULDN'T WANT STEAK FOR EACH AND EVERY MEAL

Now listen to me, Hop Sing. I've always been very tolerant with you. Right?

What is this tolerant?

It means that we don't pop you the first time you screw up!

Shut up, Hoss! I'm doing the explaining.

Yes sir, Pa.

Now, like I was saying, we pay you good dough here. And we expect you to do what we say. If we want steak, you cook steak. If we want ham, you cook ham. You see how it works?

But, Mr. Cartwrightson, I just thought -

Sing, you aren't being paid to think! You just keep the steak coming and we'll just forget this little incident ever happened. Okay?

Old Chinese saying. Man with bread is man with power. You take two way, right?

(BEAT)

Okay, Mr. Cartwright. Tomorrow, I fix big plate egg roll. You like?

I'm not sure I got the language things, but, ah, no, I not like! Now listen, you're treading on thin ice here partner! What's gotten into you? You used to be so obedient. Have you been talking to Big Bob Smith's cook, Won Hung Lo?

Yes. Won says that variety spice of life. He make egg roll, won ton soup, fried rice. All those Chinese dish. All. He say Mr. Smith and his boys enjoy. Ask for more.

Did you hear that, boys? Smith's eating this weak, sissy food now. Even feeding it to his help.

Hey, Pa. Why don't we start a range war long about now? They'd be so weak from the food they've been eating that we could take them out and take over their land.

BEN RUBS HIS CHIN AND PONDERS JOE'S IDEA

Not bad, Joseph. Not bad. I've always kind of wanted to get access to the river on that property. What do you think, Adam?

I probably shouldn't render an opinion Pa. I mean, what with me getting too big for my britches and leaving the show and all.

Oh, yes. You're right. I forgot.

How about you, Hoss. You think we ought to head over there and whip their butts?

Gee, Pa, I don't know. Can we talk about this later? I'm kind of hungry.

Me too!

(ben snaps his fingers)

Hop Sing! Steaks all around. Chop, chop!

But, Mr. Cartwright. I think you like this egg roll.

Hoss, take Hop Sing out and show him how much we appreciate his cooking!

But, Pa ...

Hoss!

Come on, Hop Sing.

HOSS LEADS HOP SING OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR

Mr. Hoss. You like try these egg roll?

HOP SING HAS NO MORE THAN FINISHED HIS QUESTION THAN HOSS IS DEVOURING THE CHINESE FOOD AS IF HE WAS STARVING

Now, eh heh heh, Hop Sing, we're not going to tell Pa about this, right?

Right on!

Right on? What's that supposed to mean?

Hop Sing have no idea. He read it in Mr. Cartwright's cliché dictionary.

Morning, Hoss. Say, what's all this talk I hear about you growing kumquats on our good bottom land?

Hop Sing think Mr. Hoss undermining tradition of ranch. He raise puny fruit, not fat animal, like Mr. Ben!

HOSS FLASHES HOP SING A DIRTY LOOK.

Ah, so sorry. Not, Mr. Cartwright fat animal. Fat beef animal fat animal.

NOW BEN FLASHES HOP SING A DIRTY LOOK.

(BEAT)

You know Hoss, I can't remember the last Cartwright who wanted to do something this stupid.

Hop Sing not remember either.

'Sing!

Your memory going, Pa?

(BEAT)

Just kidding. Well, Pa, I've got this farming urge, you know. And I have read that there are folks who'll pay top dollar for good `quats.

Oh, so now it's `quats?! Hoss, have you lost your mind?! You know nothing about farming. Nothing! And I don't even know if 'quats will grow around here!

HOSS STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD.

Pa, gosh durn it, I'm going to do it, and that's that! Now, you and Hop Sing leave me alone.

HOP SING ANNOUNCES DINNER.

Mr. Hoss, you sit here, next to egg roll platter. Mr. Ben, you sit here, next to mandarin orange.

BEN SENSES HOP SING IS IN CAHOOTS WITH HOSS, PLAYING A PSYCHOLOGICAL MIND GAME WITH HIM WITH THE ORANGE-KUMQUAT SIMILARITY

Hop Sing! How many times do I have to tell you we don't eat that Chink junk here on the Ponderosa!

BEN USES HIS ARM TO RAKE ALL OF THE EGG ROLLS AND ORANGES ONTO THE FLOOR

HERE LUKE! HERE BOY!

LUKE, THE RANCH HOUND, RUNS IN AND BEGINS LAPPING UP THE EGG ROLLS

That last straw! Hop Sing quit!

HOP SING TAKES OFF HIS APRON AND FLINGS IT TO THE GROUND AND MARCHES OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.

Pa, we have to hurry up and eat. I need to get to planting. Now what are we going to have? You ruined the stuff Hop Sing cooked.

BEN IS ABOUT TO BOIL OVER

Crap! Hoss, where are Adam and Joseph? Can't one of them cook?

Nope. Couldn't make pancakes. Either of them. Already asked them.

BEN RUNS TO THE DOOR TO SEE IF HE CAN SEE HOP SING ANYWHERE

HOP SING? HOP SING? WHERE ARE YOU?

(Ben hears a voice from out by the corral)

You call Hop Sing?

BEN JOGS OUT TO WHERE HOP SING HAS WALKED AND USHERS HIM BACK IN THE HOUSE.

Hop Sing! Come back here, my son! You know you always have a home here.

Now, Hop Sing. What are the chances of getting some grub rustled up rather quickly? Good, I hope!

HOP SING CASTS BEN A BEATEN-DOWN LOOK THEN TURNS TO TRUDGE INTO THE KITCHEN

ON THE WAY OUT, HOP SING STRAIGHTENING HIS BOLO TIE ...

Hop Sing get no respect, no respect at all.

BEN TURNS TO HOP SING

Huh?

BEN TURNS BACK TO HOSS

Hoss, I tell you what I'm going to do. You forget this kumquat stuff and I'll put you at the top of the list on my will. How about it?

Honest? What does that really mean though?

It means that when I buy the farm, instead of Adam being able to pick over my stuff first, since he is the oldest son, you would be the one to have the first dibs.

HOSS PONDERS THE OFFER

The 'buying the farm' part is a little confusing. Hmmm. Lemme see. Hmmm.

(frustrated with his son's ignorance)

It means that when I die, you boob!

Oh. Why didn't you say so? Well, then, hmmmmm, let me see ... Hmmmmm.

BEN PACES THE FLOOR WHILE HOSS MULLS OVER THE OFFER PLACED BEFORE HIM

HOP SING FINDS IT IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO COMMENT ON HIS EMPLOYER'S PERFORMANCE.

Look, Mr. Hoss. Mr. Ben put on show. Act like worrying.

HOP SING AND HOSS LAUGH

BEN'S HAIR TRIGGER GOES OFF

That's it! That's all! Hop Sing, cook or no cook, you're history! Out! OUT! Beat it!

Hop Sing leave you with old Chinese saying. Man who fire long-time cook wake up next morning with several bed bug! Or uninvited mouse! Or something else!

HOSS AND BEN GAZE AT EACH OTHER QUIZZICALLY.

stagn ?FADE IN: INT. CARTWRIGHT KITCHEN - DAY?

HOP SING SWEEPS SEVERAL DOZEN DEAD RODENTS OUT OF THE KITCHEN INTO THE HALLWAY

BEN COMES INTO THE KITCHEN AFTER A SHORT TRIP TO THE BUNK HOUSE

Hop Sing? Why are you here? Didn't I fire you last night?

Oh no. Hop Sing think Mr. Cartwright only pulling leg.

Well, it seems we do need a housekeeper, what with all of these rodents. OK, you're back. For now.

(BEAT)

So, after you finish here, go out to the bunk house and clean that out too. They've got so many dead mice out there that the boys can't get any decent shuteye. They're getting a little gamey already. What is going on with all these dead mice?

Hop Sing not sign on to animal control. Not like handling rodent. Anyway, Hop Sing warn you.

I believe that if you check the fine print in your contract, 'Sing, you'll see that indeed you do have to do this sort of thing. I believe it says so in clause 4, paragraph 1.2.

HOP SING MUMBLES SOMETHING IN CHINESE

What was that?

Mr. Cartwright always right.

Maybe you want me cook eggroll now!

Sweep! Keep sweeping until all these rodents are gone. Then and only then do you cook. And it's for sure you won't cook any of that godforsaken native Chinese stuff.

HOP SING SNEERS AT BEN FROM BEHIND HIS BACK AND GOES ON SWEEPING

HOSS WANDERS INTO THE KITCHEN

Pa, when do we eat? I'm starved!

Hoss, is food all you think about? Don't you ever think about, oh, say, women? Am I ever going to see grandkids!?

HOSS GETS A BLANK LOOK ON HIS FACE

(BEAT)

Hop Sing, what are we having for lunch?

So sorry, Mr. Cartwright. Other Mr. Cartwright say Hop Sing no cook until mouse is gone.

What?

HOP SING POINTS TO FLOOR

You not notice rodent?

HOSS STRAINS, THINKING HARD

Those little critters look about bite sized, don't they?

(Hosssmiles)

Ah so! Hop Sing think he get drift.

BEN HAS BEEN SILENT FOR AS LONG AS HE COULD BE

The only drift you are going to get, Hop Sing, is that drift of the unemployment line if you're not careful. You get my drift?

Leave him alone, Pa. He's just a poor servant. Let him do what he does best - cook!

Hoss, when you're the boss around here you can make Hop Sing do whatever you want him to do. But as long as he's on my payroll he's going to sweep out mice!

HOSS GETS A DEJECTED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE AND BEGINS TO LEAVE THE KITCHEN

And, Hoss, don't forget who pays your salary! It ain't all a cakewalk around here!

(Hoss brightens)

Cake? Where?