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Saturday January 6, 2024


AFTERNOON
1PM I LOVE LUCY - Comedy, 30 min.
Ethel and Fred inherit a dog pound in Queens and immediately become embroiled with the city authorities when Fred hastily turns loose several hundred of the more voracious animals to cut down on expenses.

I LOVE LUCY

"Dog Gone!"

 

FADE IN: INT, DOG POUND

ETHEL

Fred, why in heaven's name would you turn loose all those dogs?

FRED

Listen Ethel. When you figure out how to come up with the geeters necessary to feed 400 dogs twice a day then we'll keep all these dogs. But, until you do, they're gone!

ETHEL

You cheapskate! Your uncle left this pound to you to be able to care for all these cute dogs and what do you do but give hundreds of them the heave ho in the first week. It's awful. You're uncle would not like it, not like it at all!

FRED

Ethel, when Uncle Mike sends me a check to cover the dog food bill then Uncle Mike can call the shots. But, until he does, we ain't keeping so many.

ETHEL

Well, I just hope the authorities are as tight as you are and will understand your point of view.

FRED

Why would they ever become involved?

ETHEL

You think the fact that suddenly several hundred stray dogs are seen roaming the neighborhood streets isn't going to raise a flag or two to the people living there?

FRED

You might be right. We've got to do something!

ETHEL

What do you mean we?! You turned them loose!

THE PHONE RINGS.

FRED
(answering the phone)

Hello? Yes, this is the dog pound. Ah, no, I don't know anything about a pack of mutts roaming around. Ok, bye.

ETHEL

Let me guess. The city authorities?

FRED

No. The city enforcer.

ETHEL

The who?

FRED

The city enforcer. You know, that big guy who they send over to muscle people into seeing their viewpoint on things? I've heard some horror stories.

ETHEL

He wouldn't come over and beat up an old goat like you would he?

FRED

I'll tell you one thing. This old goat's not going to find out!

(Fred begins packing up)

ETHEL

What are you doing Fred?

FRED

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm scramming.

ETHEL

You can't just leave! Who's going to care for the rest of the dogs?

FRED HEADS IN THE BACK OF THE BUILDING AND BEGINS OPENING CAGES ALLOWING THE REMAINDER OF THE DOGS TO RUN FREE.

FRED
(holding open the front door)

HERE BOYS! COME ON! HEEEERE POOCHES!

ETHEL

Fred! The enforcer will get you for this!

FRED

He'll get me if he can find me!

ETHEL

Where you going?

FRED

Ethel, I'm going to Rio until the heat's off. Take care of the apartment building for me, will you? All you have to do is collect the rent once a month. Forget fixing anything. That's what I do. Or don't do, heh, heh!

ETHEL

But, Fred. Where will you stay down there?

FRED

Oh, I've got contacts there. I think Debbi's still around running her bikini shop.

ETHEL

Fred, you behave! Remember, you're married!

FRED

Believe me, I can't forget I'm married to you.

(to himself)

As much as I'd like to!

ETHEL

What was that Fred?

FRED

I said I really like you.

ETHEL

Oh, how sweet.

 

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The material published herein is intended to be satire, parody and/or just preposterously ridiculous. The resemblance between any fictitious and real person, place or thing without satirical intent is purely coincidental.