BEN CARTWRIGHT SHADES HIS EYES AND PANS THE RANCH LANDSCAPE. HE HOLLERS AT HIS SONS WHO HE FINALLY SPIES GOOFING OFF OUT BY THE CORRAL

(yelling)

Hoss! Get Joe and Adam and come in here!

What's up Pa?

Well, that took long enough!

What's up?! What's UP? Haven't you heard?

Heard what?

About the tsetse flies! They're coming! They're on the way! The Marshal said they came over on some boat from Africa.

What the devil are tsetse flies?!

That's enough Joe! Just listen! You boys go round up them dogies down by the river and bring them up to the barn. We don't have much time. Go on, scoot!

"Dogies"!?

JOE LOOKS AROUND AT HIS BROTHERS, SMIRKINGLY

Joe! Shut up!

HOSS LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS TO JOE

Joe, pipe down. I think Pa's gone 'round the bend. Let's humor him.

Okay Pa, whatever you say. Dogies. Flies. Boats from Africa. Whatever. Go ahead and finish your story, Pa. Come on, Pa, let's hear it. Are we all going to die?

HOSS TURNS AND WINKS AT ADAM

I am finished, you numbskull! Don't you idiots get it? The flies could be the end of us!

WITH A SARCASTIC GRIN ON HIS FACE, HOSS CONTINUES TO DERIDE THE ELDER CARTWRIGHT

Oh yeah, Pa? Which end?

BEN HAS HAD ENOUGH IDIOCY. HE REACHES OVER AND GRABS A FIREPLACE POKER AND BEGINS TO THRASH HOSS

Ouch! Hey, Pa, cut it out! Ow! What the ... ? Joe, help me! Joe!

You tell him.

No, you tell him. He might hit me again with that fireplace poker.

Listen, you bet it, you lost it, you tell him!

(loudly)

Pa! Pa! Hoss has something to tell you! Come here!

What is it Joseph? What's wrong? Is some other ranch scum encroaching on our territory? What?

No, Pa. Nothing like that. Although I did see a few of Nelson's men scouting out our bottom land. One of them even had an old ragged piece of paper that he claimed was a treasure map! Anyway, I -

Wait! Did you say treasure map?!

Of course he did, Pa. You gettin' deaf?

Shutup, Hoss! Now Joseph, did you get any kind of look at this map? Was it by any chance mostly green?

I don't know. So what if it was?!

Don't tell me you two never heard of the Treasure of the Leprechauns? It's supposedly buried somewhere very close to where the Ponderosa property is. Maybe even on it! Your mother always wished she could have found it before she croaked, I mean passed on, so her coffin could have been more jewel-encrusted. She was always one for a big show. But I digress.

Do you suppose the treasure has been discovered by Nelson to actually exist on our land?

Well now Joseph, doesn't it all figure? I mean, you see a couple of Nelson's boys on our land, they have what appears to be an authentic buried treasure map. Has to be! We better go to town and get some shovels! Hoss! Hoss, saddle up my horse. I'm going to town to buy all the shovels I can carry back.

Ah, Pa. About the saddling part of your request. Would it matter what saddle I used? And what about the flies?!

BEN RUBS CHIN, THINKING HARD, BUT COMING UP EMPTY.

Flies?

(shaking head back to the moment)

Not as long as it's my good saddle.

BEN CHUCKLES, HONESTLY BELIEVING HE HAS CRACKED WISE.

Pa, Joe lost your saddle the other day.

Me?! You lost it! You lying son of a -

That's enough! Listen, with all this treasure talk I need to get something to eat. Anyone else care to join me? Hoss?

Just fix me a peanut butter sandwich and bring it to me with a brew. Ok?

BEN LAUGHS TO HEAR HIS SON ISSUING ORDERS TO HIM.

Why you overgrown punk! ...

BEN PICKS UP A NEARBY FIREPLACE IMPLEMENT AND HURLS IT AT HOSS, WHO DUCKS ALLOWING THE PROJECTILE TO STRIKE HOP SING'S KEYE LUKE BUST ON THE PORCH, SMASHING IT TO PIECES.