HOSS GREETS JOE AS HIS HORSE WALKS UP TO THE HITCHING POST

Well, Joe, you certainly have managed to cause a stir around here.

Huh?

Yeah, Pa has been running around like a chicken with hi-

His head cut off?

How'd you know?

Get real, brother. That's such an old adage, even for the 1880's.

(beat)

What's Pa torqued about?

He has misplaced his best hat. He has concluded you have borrowed it. He's mad and if I were you I'd steer clear.

HOSS NOTICES THE BAGGAGE JOE HAS STRAPPED ON

Hey, what's that behind you?

JOE GETS DOWN FROM HIS HORSE

Dadburnit, Joe. I asked you a question!

Hoss, calm down. Pa must have you worked up too.

What is that stuff?

(points to basket)

Well, I ran into this very strange, dark man who was walking barefooted through town blowing a flute. As I watched him, when even a small crowd was near him, he sat down, continued to blow the flute, swayed and, presently, a serpent of some type rose out of the basket and also swayed. The crowd backed up but was amazed nonetheless.

Nonetheless? Not quite a cowboy word, Joe! What's next, full inkhorn?

Nevertheless, my somewhat illiterate brother, I followed this man to the hotel where he took a seat on the porch, placing his basket beside him in a chair. When I came up to him and asked him who he was and what his game was, he ignored me as if he was in a trance.

BEN INTERRUPTS THIS TALE

Uh oh!

Joseph! Joseph, do you have my brown Stetson? The one with the tilted brim? Hoss said it was you who was rummaging through my stuff the other day.

I did not!

Hoss, I may be much smaller than you but I have connections with some big guys who could hurt you. Why are you lying to Pa?

Well, heh heh, it's like this, Joe, Pa. I'm sorry.

(turning to Ben)

I was stuck. As you know, I usually wear a ten gallon hat like this one

(points to his hat)

but ...

On that 2-gallon head!

HOSS TURNS TO JOE ABRUPTLY

Why you! ... I oughtta ...

BEN INTERVENES

Hoss! Don't do it!

HOSS STOPS COLD. CALMER HEADS PREVAIL.

As I was saying, I had accidentally sat on my best hat and I needed to repair it before Miss Betty came over. I couldn't bear for her to see my balding pate and/or my head not dressed in my traditional chapeau.

Chapeau?!

Hat, Joe!

(beat)

Anyway, I had to cut up your hat, Pa, and -

BEN LOOKS TERRIFIED

- patch in parts of your hat to fix my hat. See?

(points to his hat again)

Can we get back to my story? ... Please?

BEN CALMS DOWN TEMPORARILY. HOSS BECOMES MORE ATTENTIVE.

As I was saying, this strange man seemed to be in a trance - asleep - unconscious - nodding - ...

Joe! We get it!

I reached over to poke him and wake him up. He was dead!

What?! You poked a dead guy? Ooooo!

Pipe down, Hoss!

(turns attention back to Joe

Joseph, are you serious? What did you do then?

Yeah, Little Joe. What did you do then?

Hoss, didn't I just ask that myself?

HOSS LOOKS ANNOYED

I decided that before I got the sheriff or doctor I better make sure the man's flute and basket, which I presumed contained his serpent, were secure.

You stole the dead guy's flute, basket, and snake?!

Joseph, say it ain't so!

Are ya'll finished? Can I continue?

(beat)

As I took hold of the basket I could hear some noise inside. I don't know one type of snake from another, except I do know what a rattler sounds like, and this was no rattler!

Was she a, sidewinder?

(annoyed)

Sidewinder?! No! I don't know. All I know is that the snake - whatever species it was - seemed to know I was taking possession of the stuff because it pushed the top of the basket away and sprang up and tried to bite me. I was left with no other course than to shoot it before it inflicted bodily harm.

On passers by?

No. On me!

(shaking his head in disgust)

Passers by??

(beat)

I shot it a couple of times and kicked it under the porch where the dogs could have at it.

So the pot you have here is nothing but an empty one? That isn't too interesting, Joe.

Well, not so fast.

HOSS LOOKS PUZZLED

I knew that whatever it was that that strange man was doing was only working because he had a snake as part of his act, or whatever it was. So, although I had no interest at the time in taking up where he left off -

Well, that goes without saying. You have no time to do anything except to help mend our fences down by the river these days. The snake foolishness is ridiculous!

As I was saying ...

(beat)

Although I had no interest in doing what he did, I knew that if I was going to be able to sell his belongings and pocket some sweet cake, I had to have the whole setup. I needed a snake, pronto.

(in a loud voice)

Dinner served!

So, on my way home, while I was pondering my dilemma, what did I come upon in the rocks over by the orchard but a small nest of rattlers.

(in a louder voice)

Dinner served!

(in a loud voice)

Hop Sing, we hear you. Give us a few minutes.

(beat)

I got off my trusty horse and -

Trusty horse? Joe one minute you are tossing around 5-dollar words and the next minute you are a cliche machine!

(in a much louder voice)

Dinner served!

JOE THROWS HOSS A LOOK OF SCORN

Pa, can you get our chinaman to put a sock in it?

He sometimes fancies himself as Don Wong.

But I thought Wong was supposed to be a great Chinese lover!

Joseph, just continue with your story, please.

But, Pa. I'm getting hungry!

Me too. Joe, can we continue the snake story at the dinner table?

Pass the taters, Pa!

Please? Can you say the magic word, Hoss?

(humbled)

Please.

HOP SING HAS WANDERED UP.

So, Joseph. You dismounted near the snakes, then what?

What?

You were telling us that you were wondering where and how you were going to get a snake for your basket and you came upon some rattlers. What happened next?

About what?

Joseph!

OK. Well, I got off the horse and walked up behind the daddy snake and -

(eavesdropping)

How you know daddy snake?

Because it was the biggest one.

(beat)

Happy?

Hop Sing, let Joseph continue, please. And what are you doing in here with us? You are supposed to eat in the kitchen. Suppose our guests saw this act of insolence. We'd be mortified! Back to the kitchen with you! Shoo!

But Mr. Cartwright have no guest.

'Sing, let me tell you something ... I once tied a Chink like you up in a knot so tight he could sniff his coccyx. Get my drift?

HOP SING STARTS TO TRUDGE BACK TO THE KITCHEN

I pounced on the daddy snake, caught him by the neck, like you're 'sposed to do, and put in in the pot and tied the top on.

So now you have a complete set of stuff to try to sell now, right?

(not enjoying the patronization)

Yes, Pa. That's right.

Hey Joe, can I see the daddy snake?

Never mind that, Joe, can you blow the flute?

Do I need to be able to blow the flute? Hello! I'm selling the whole deal, remember? Duh!

Hey, we get it. Pipe down, Joe. I still want a peep at the snake.

I don't even know if that is the type of snake that the original owner had, but that's the only type of snake I could find.

(Hoss gets up)

Come on, let's go see the big, daddy snake.

ALL GET UP AND START OUTSIDE

Now, let me untie the stuff, I put a real tight knot in it so the snake couldn't get out.

Ah, what do you know! Another tight knot. Where's Hop Sing? ...

JOE STRUGGLES WITH THE KNOT AND FINALLY GETS IT UNTIED. JOE CAREFULLY TAKES THE BASKET OFF THE HORSE

OK, Hoss. So, do you really want to see the snake?

Sure, open the basket.

You open the basket!

HOSS WALKS OVER TO THE BASKET JOE IS HOLDING AND TAKES IT FROM HIM

Let's just see what mammoth snake you got here

HOSS OPENS THE BASKET

HOP SING HAS WANDERED OUT AND PICKED UP THE FLUTE AND HAS BEGUN TO EXAMINE IT.

There ain't no snake here, Joe! Is this some type of joke?

Lemme see that!

HOP SING INHALES AND BLOWS A POTENT HIGH B-FLAT ON THE FLUTE

JOE SNATCHES THE BASKET AND QUICKLY OPENS IT. RESPONDING TO THE FLUTE SOUND, A SNAKE POPS OUT AND STRIKES AT LITTLE JOE.

Ow! It bit me!

JOE THROWS THE BASKET DOWN AND THE SNAKE SLITHERS OFF

Hey, I bet Hop Sing's playing made it get aroused!

JOE IS HOLDING HIS ARM WHERE HE GOT BIT

Can someone help me? This bite is killing me.

Joe, Joe, Joe. A rugged cowboy is letting a little snake bite make him whine like a baby. Pitiful!

HOP SING IS PLAYING THE FLUTE MORE VIGOROUSLY

(to Hop Sing)

Stop playing that flute!

Mr. Joe not blaming Hop Sing for snake incident, are you?

Incident? I got bit, Hop Sing. It's called a snake bite! The last time I noticed, a rattler bite is deadly. Get it? As in, I'm buying the farm.

Ok, Joe. Enough drama. Hop Sing has an amazing ability to apply mashes of secret oriental herbs and poultices and neutralize the snake poison,

(looking at Hop Sing)

don't you, Hop Sing?

Maybe I do and maybe I don't. Hop Sing find it very coincidental that contract is about ready for renegotiation at same time that snake bite may carry Mr. Joe away.

(realizing the size of Hop Sing's bargaining chip)

Gee, Pa, do you think you will treat Hop Sing right this go'around?

(sneering at Hoss)

Sure. Sure, Hop Sing. I don't see any reason in the world why we couldn't up your wages a few percent.

A few hundred percent I reckon!

Why you little ... Very well. A big raise.

Ah, me? Dying? Can I get some of that secret remedy now?

Pa, I believe Hop Sing needs a little more specificity on the amount of the raise. Is that right Hop?

Mr. Hoss clairvoyant, at minimum.

Hoss, If I didn't know better, I would swear your acting as Hop Sing's agent is going to line your pocket!

Very funny, Pa.

OK, one hundred percent.

Of what?

(flashing Hoss a real dirty look)

A one hundred percent raise over what Hop Sing was getting.

Was getting when?

(Hoss winks at Hop Sing)

Was getting last week.

Done! You'll, of course, have a contract for me, ah, him to sign by the end of this day, right?

Yes, Hoss. OK? We finished? Can we turn our attention to Joseph now?

JOE HAS PASSED OUT ON THE GROUND

Hop Sing, do your thing!

HOP SING RUNS OFF TO THE HOUSE AND COMES BACK IN A FLASH WITH A BAG

Is that the potion?

It is.

Apply it please.

Well, go on, Hop Sing, apply the potion. If this doesn't work, the new contract is - guess what? Null and void! Got that?

Stand back!

What?

I say stand back!

HOP SING BEGINS TO STOMP ABOUT, WAVING HIS HANDS AND SPEAKING SOME INCANTATIONS

Aren't you going to revive him?

Hop Sing need time to get warmed up!

(in whisper to Hop Sing)

Don't push it, get on with the revival.

(stalling)

Hey, Pa, did you stop worrying about your hat?

I did not! paren(beat) Hop Sing!

Oh.

HOP SING FLINGS A HANDFUL OF CRUSHED HERBS ONTO JOE'S FACE

JOE STARTS TO ROUST

Thank goodness! It's a miracle!

(whispering)

Now, Hop Sing, I, as your agent, get a full 10% of the new contract. And we don't say anything about this to anyone, right?

Mr. Hoss. So sorry! As long as Hop Sing have snake ranch and herb garden, no need agent. Best both words: cause and cure in Hop Sing pocket. Very sweet.