HOSS AND JOE ARE MULLING OVER THE STATES OF THEIR LIVES.

You know, Joe. When all this ranch nonsense fades out, what are we going to be left with?

JOE IS QUERIED WHILE IN A SEMI-SLEEP

Huh?

When we are too old to work or even enjoy watching our hired help work, what will we be doing?

Same thing as now, I guess. Goofing off. I thought that kind of went with having the Cartwright name! Budda-bing!

BOTH MEN YUK IT UP.

Hey, but didn't you ever want to maybe do something more with your life? I have thought about that for a while now.

Oh yeah? So, what else would you have wanted to do? Be a food taster?

JUST JOE YUKS IT UP. HOSS IS NOT AMUSED.

Dadburnit, I mean it, Joe. I think I'm going to try to be a fiction writer. They got a lot of them back east.

I knew you could read, a little, but I didn't know you could write too.

JUST JOE YUKS IT UP MORE. HOSS IS GETTING UPSET!

Dadgummit, Joe. I'll have you know that I've been reading this new book about talking animals written by some fella in the South named Harris. I believe I could write as good as he does. I can hardly understand the language he uses sometimes though.

Talking animals? Hoss, have you ever heard a talking animal?

Joe, the work is fiction. Entertainment. He has this fox and a bear, but the fox mainly, always trying to outwit this little rabbit. They are always doing something crazy.

(Hoss chuckles)

Oh yeah? Like what?

Like this ...

(Hoss picks up his book and reads)

"One day atter Brer Rabbit fool 'im wid dat calamus root, Brer Fox went ter wuk en got 'im some tar, en mix it wid some turkentime, en fix up a contrapshun w'at he call a Tar-Baby."

After that the tale went on to say that the Fox was trying to get the rabbit stuck to the tar so he could make a meal of him.

What the ...? I didn't understand a word of that!

Me neither. There were so many "dis's" and "dat's" and "Brer's" thrown in I got confused and had to stop reading. But you get the idea.

Hoss, I know you said fiction, but that's kind of 'out there'. Who would believe that could happen?

Well, I think it could happen. Yeah, making a tar man and fooling someone, I can see that it could happen. Yeah.

Really!

Sure.

Well, Mr. big time writer, care to place a wager on whether something like that can work here in Nevada?

Well,... why not? Shall we bet, oh, say, about $100?

That's nowhere, fat man! How about betting our inheritances?

HOSS DOES NOT WANT TO BE PERCEIVED AS WEAK AND STUPID SO HE AGREES.

You're on! What do we do now?

You go build one of these tar things and we'll see if it fools anybody.

Fools anybody? Now, what exactly does that mean?

Well, let's say whoever stops to talk to it first also has to get so mired in its goo that they start crying.

Joe. You're my brother and I love you. But I can't see any of these grizzled old ranchers out here doing a lot of crying. No, we can't have crying in the bet. Crying?! Where did that come from? Crying?!

Ok, ok, what do you suggest?

How about the person has to get so stuck that they begin calling for help?

So, one step short of crying?

Whatever. Crying?

HOSS SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF

Deal! This, I might say, is going to be the easiest 4000 acres I ever won.

THE MEN SHAKE HANDS. HOSS RUNS OFF TO BEGIN MAKING HIS TAR MAN.

What're you up to, Mr. Hoss?

Figuring out how to make a tar man, Tubby. How hush while I think.

What's a tar man?

It's a few lumps of tar stuff dressed up like a man. How Tubby, please. I need quiet.

What you need to make such a thing fer?

It's a long story. Now Tubby, shut up and get back to your work.

Huh?

Tubby! One more word out of you and you'll be doing nasty goat work, like your buddy Harold.

HOSS SITS AND COGITATES, HIS INHERITANCE WAGER LOOMING LARGE.

Mr. Joe, where is Mr. Hoss?

Out in one of the sheds I guess. He's trying to make a tar man.

So sorry, must have wax in ear. Please repeat.

No, you heard right. I bet him that he couldn't make a tar man so life-like that a passer-by would get stuck up in it and begin to holler. He took the bet!

What a dope!

Yeah, it's almost too easy.

No, not Mr. Hoss. You!

(laughing)

Hop Sing, have you gone nuts?

In China I see same thing, many time. Work all time in Don Wong movie when he lure many chick. All Hoss needs to do is sprinkle spices on tar man, then anyone will sniff, come close and touch.

What?! Then it is possible that I could lose if Hoss finds out about the spice trick?

Not possible. Is certain. Don Wong prove it.

Don Wong?! Movie??

(beat)

Hop Sing, let's be sure that you are not the one providing this information to Hoss. What will it take to keep you quiet, $50? Here. Here's a fifty-dollar gold piece.

Ok, Tubby. What do you think of it?

It looks pretty good. 'Specially the skeleton.

OK, I think it did help when you added the iron skeleton.

(acknowledging)

Heck, the rest of the work was easy, just slapping on heaps of gooey tar. Now I have to put some clothes on him and figure out where to set him up. Maybe Pa's got some old clothes I could use.

Where did the tar come from anyway, since there are no known sources for hundreds of miles?

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

I guess I ought to go see how Hoss is doing. Hey, Hop Sing, remember, no advice about the Chinese tar man and the attractive spices or the bribe dough comes back. Got it?

Hop Sing remember.

(under breath)

$50 not even close to worth of 4000 acres.

What was that?

Hop Sing not say anything.

(beat)

When Mr. Cartwright coming home?

Who knows! He went up to see that lady friend of his, Miss Ella. I sure hope that woman moves in here with us. That's some fine viewing. Ow, mama! 'Top shelf' stuff there! Pa must have dropped a wod on her.

Mr. Joe not just whistling Dixie. Not seen big time operator like Mr. Cartwright since Don Wong in Chinese B movies.

Yeah, she's a fox. Ahoooooooo!

(beat)

Don Wong?!

(beat)

But speaking of Dixie, let me go on out and check on that stupid oaf of a brother, building his Southern tar man.

JOE CAN VISUALIZE THE BET MAKING HIM FILTHY RICH

Too easy! Too easy!

(sheepishly)

Why Mr. Joe never have lady friend? You not man?

'Sing, I don't like your intimation! The right woman ain't come along yet. That's all. Honest.

(to himself)

Ok, here's a shirt I ain't seen Pa wear in years. Here's some pants too. I already got the shoes. Ready! Hot dog! Get ready to bend over brother Joe!

Hey, Tubby. You seen Hoss?

He went that-a-away.

(points to house)

Hmmm. Odd. I was just there and I didn't see him.

HOSS COMES WALKING FROM BEHIND THE HOUSE.

Hey Joe. I'm almost ready. Want to see my tar man?

Yeah, let's see this tar man. This ought to be rich.

HOSS LEADS JOE TO THE BACK OF THE BLACKSMITH SHOP

JOE SEES THE BLOB OF DRESSED UP TAR

Well, it's tarry and it has clothes. That's about all I can say. Where's his head?

HOSS POINTS OUT HIS HEAD.

But where's the body?

HOSS POINTS OUT HIS BODY.

Hey, doesn't the tar man have on Pa's good-luck shirt? Boy, you've done it now!

(Hoss recalls)

That's right! Pa usually only wore that shirt when he was trolling. He always thought the pattern drove the ladies mad. That's a horrible plaid! No, I can't see it, myself.

And now you're got tar all over it! Hoss, if you weren't going to lose your inheritance on this stupid bet, you'd lose it when Pa sees this ruined babe-magnet shirt.

(beat)

But, never mind that, where are we going to set the tar man?

What about on the side of the old dry stream road up by the orchard?

Not much traffic there. You sure you want to choose that spot? We'll have to wait a while in the weeds until one of us loses.

Yeah. Let's go get this done.

I'll go get the wagon so se can haul that filthy lump of goo out there. By the way, where did you find the tar? I thought that the closest tar source was hundreds of miles away.

You and Tubby.

What?

Nothing. Get the wagon and I'll load up the tar man.

JOE BRINGS THE WAGON AROUND. HOSS PLOPS THE DRESSED-UP TAR MAN ON THE WAGON AND THE THREE RIDE OFF

This OK? We can park the wagon over there and hide in those weeds.

But, where will we put the man?

(motioning to a log by the side of the road nearby)

How about right there?

Well, people going that way might not even see him.

Well, we'll move the log closer to the road.

Ok.

HOSS AND JOE PUT THE TAR MAN SO HE APPEARS TO BE SEATED ON THE LOG, FACING AWAY FROM THE ROAD.

(grinning with pride)

Looks pretty real, don't he?

Easiest bet I even won.

We'll see. Hey! I think I see someone coming. Quick! Get the wagon and horse hidden over there.

Ok, we'll hide right here in the tall weeds. Quick!

A WAGON APPROACHES AND AS IT GETS CLOSER THE BOYS RECOGNIZE THEIR FATHER AND HIS LADY FRIEND.

Uh, oh. You better go out there and distract Pa so he don't see his shirt.

No way. He just might be the one to win me this bet.

Are you kidding? Pa's not going to be sucked in by this type of asinine gag. Give the man a little credit.

And you know, Ella, I once killed three mountain lions with one shot. One shot, I tell you! How about that!?

Boss!

(reconsiders use of colloquial exclamation)

I mean, that's pretty good shootin', Ben.

(coyly)

You think you could shoot some little old wild animal specially for me while I'm visiting?

(grinning)

I wouldn't be a bit surprised! No sir, not a bit.

(continuing to grin at the inuendo)

BEEN SEES THE BACK OF THE DRESSED UP TAR MAN AND THINKS IT MAY BE SOMEONE IN NEED OF HELP

You there! Hey!

(turns to Ella)

What the ... ? Is that guy rude or what?

Ben, maybe we ought to just move on. We don't want no trouble.

On Ponderosa land?! No, mam. Unh, uh. This guy is not going to ignore me! He must know who I am!

HOSS AND JOE ARE STILL PEERING THROUGH THE BRUSH

What is he doing?

(excited)

I think he's getting off the wagon. Oh boy!

Hey, is that cinnamon I smell?

Yep!

(to himself)

Hop Sing! Wait till I get my hands on that little Chink!

Shhhh! Joe. Quiet!

BEN HAS GOTTEN DOWN AND IS APPROACHING THE TAR MAN.

Sir? Are you lost?

(tar man says nothing)

Sir? Do you know you are trespassing on the Ponderosa?

(tar man says nothing)

Ben, I'm getting kind of hot sitting here.

(back to Ella)

You mean hot as in the sun is cooking you?

No. The other kind!

(to himself) Oh, mama!

Boy, Pa is really stuck on that chick, ain't he?

Have you seen a full body view of that chick? She is plum foxy! And no more than about 30. Like a gal one of us might date. Well, maybe not you.

Oh, you date a lot I guess, Mr Don Wong!

Don Wong?!

(beat)

Hop Sing!! Uh oh.

(Ben leans over and says loudly)

Sir! You're going to have to move along! Come on, get moving.

(beat)

Hey, what the ...? What are you doing with my shirt on? And, I believe those are my pants also. Did you steal them from the Ponderosa?

(beat)

Sir!?

(tar man says nothing)

Ben? Ben, come on back. Leave that man alone. He may try to beat you up.

Thank you, Ella.

JOE IS GETTING WORRIED.

(back to Ella)

Ok, Ella. Be right there.

(to tar man)

Sir, I wonder if I might borrow back my shirt for about 20 minutes.

Oh no.

(smiling)

Alright, Pa! Get the shirt, Pa. Get the shirt, if you can.

(beat)

Hey, Joe, is that all-spice I smell?

Are you going to be agreeable or do I have to get rough?

(tar man says nothing)

BEN DRAWS BACK HIS RIGHT LEG AND SWINGS IT INTO THE TAR MAN'S BUTTOCKS, STAYING CLEAR OF THE SHIRT AND STILL NOT REALIZING THAT THE MAN'S BODY IS TAR.

BEN SEES HIS LEG IS NOW STUCK.

(grinning and looking at Joe)

Strike one!

Any chance the bet can be changed real quick?

Nope. I can see my new writer's office now smack dab in the middle of the whole 10,000-acre Ponderosa! It will be sweet!

Ben? Ben what are you doing? I want you over here, now! I'm so hot! But it won't last forever, if you get my drift.

(to tar man)

Turn me aloose! Let go of my leg. And, give me my shirt back!

Pa's losing it!

(Turning to Joe)

And so are you, brother!

Don't make me strike you with my famous Ponderosa upper-cut!

(tar man says nothing)

How about we just make the wager for a famous Hop Sing spicy dessert?

Spicy. I like that.

How about we keep the bet as we made it?

(Hoss sniffs the air)

Ummmmm! Is that cloves I smell?

Ok, you asked for it.

BEN DRAWS BACK HIS RIGHT ARM AND DELIVERS A BLOW TO THE TAR MAN'S NECK, HAVING HIS HAND PENETRATE TO TUBBY'S IRON SPINE.

Ow! Ow! I think I've broken my hand! Ella! Help!

That's hollering, right Joe?

Why you little trouble maker, I'm gonna show you who's boss on this ranch. Nobody, but nobody makes a fool of Ben Cartwright, especially in front of his woman.

(disgusted look)

No, Pa, not the head butt!

Where is the Ponderosa deed and Pa's will?. Let's just get this over with.

Ben? Ben, come on over here right now, you tar-man fighter, you!

Take this!

BEN BUTTS THE TAR MAN IN THE RIBS AND RIPS THE SHIRT. HIS HAIR IN NOW FILLED WITH TAR. HE PULLS BACK, BUT HIS RUG IS STUCK TO THE TAR MAN.

Hey, my piece! Gimme that back!

Ben, what are you doing? Come over her and let me run my fingers through your manly grey hair.

BEN LOOKS RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA SAYING NOTHING

Man, this is great, but I've got to take a leak.

Nice! Go on over there.

Ok, Ella. Be right there, Darling-Baby-Cakes.

Darling-Baby-Cakes?