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FADE IN: INT. JAIL HOUSE
BARNEY IS WRESTLING WITH A CELL DOOR HE HAS MANAGED TO DISCONNECT FROM THE REST OF THE JAIL. ANDY WALKS IN JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THE DOOR GET THE BEST OF HIS DEPUTY. THE DOOR FALLS ON TOP OF BARNEY, TRAPPING HIM UNDER THE 400-POUND STEEL WEIGHT.
ANDY
Barn, you okay? Say something! Speak to me!
BARNEY
Ange, get it off me! Get it off NOW!
ANDY
Well, I can't Barney, it's too heavy. I'll go over to the
barber shop and get some of the boys. Wait right here.
BARNEY LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA, A LA OLIVER HARDY. ANDY ENTERS THE BARBER SHOP WHERE A FEW GUYS ARE SHOOTING THE BREEZE.
ANDY
Oh, hi Floyd, boys. Say, I was wondering if I could get you guys
to come on over with me to the court house. Barney's become trapped
under a 400-pound door and I can't lift it off of him by myself.
WHEN THE BOYS HEAR ABOUT THE LATEST STUPID SITUATION BARNEY HAS GOTTEN HIMSELF IN, THEY BEGIN TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. UNABLE TO FIGHT OFF THE INFECTIOUS MIRTH, ANDY JOINS IN THE HILARITY. ALL OF THE MEN LAUGH AND LAUGH AND BEFORE LONG, WITH TEARS FLOWING, ABOUT 40 MINUTES HAVE PAST. ANDY HAPPENS TO GAZE AT HIS WATCH AND AGAIN TRIES TO CONTAIN HIMSELF. FINALLY, THERE IS ENOUGH GROUP COMPOSURE TO ALLOW THEM TO HEAD ON OVER TO THE COURT HOUSE TO AID THE DEPUTY.
ANDY AND THE OTHERS ENTER THE COURT HOUSE FRONT DOOR AND SEE BARNEY STILL TRAPPED.
ANDY
BARNEY SEEMS TO BE UNCONSCIOUS.
FLOYD
Andy? I think he's asleep. Why don't you go wake him up?
ANDY
ANDY GOES OVER TO WHERE BARNEY IS SMUSHED UNDER THE DOOR.
ANDY
Barney, wake up! Hey, Barn. Come on, wake up!
FLOYD
Hey, Andy. Do you think, ah, that, ah, well, that
Barney might, ah, be, ah, dead? You know, kaput? Defunct? Gone?
Attending the last roundup? Riding the wooden Buick? Doing the -
ANDY
Floyd! We get the picture! But, you might be right.
ANDY SEES BARNEY PEEPING THROUGH THE SLITS IN HIS EYES, APPARENTLY WANTING THE GANG TO FEEL SYMPATHY. ANDY WINKS AT FLOYD AND THE BOYS, TIPPING THEM OFF THAT BARNEY WAS JUST FAKING.
ANDY
Too bad, too. I think he was due to get a HUGE raise next week.
FLOYD
Yeah, too bad. Say, did you find out how much his raise was going
to be?
ANDY
No, Floyd, I didn't. But I did see part of the number, and there
were several zeros.
BARNEY BEGINS TO ROUSE, AS IF COMING BACK TO CONSCIOUSNESS.
ANDY
Well, would you look here! Barney, we all though you were a gonner!
You okay?
BARNEY IS STRAINING TO SPEAK.
BARNEY
Are you kidding? I'm tough as nails!
A little old 400-pound jail cell door can't do me in! Yep, I'll be
around for a while longer, alright. Even, next week! We
do get paid next week, right?
ANDY
Oh, yeah we do Barney. But, if I'm not mistaken, your check will
not be the same this time.
BARNEY IS GRINING UNCONTROLLABLY.
ANDY
Yeah, Barn, we're going to have to let you go. I want you out of here
in 15 minutes.
FLOYD
Andy, isn't that kind of harsh?
ANDY
Hush, Floyd! I could let you go too if I wanted to.
FLOYD
I don't think so! You've got no authority over me!
ANDY REACHES TO HIS SIDE AND PATS HIS PISTOL, WHICH FLOYD NOTICES NOW HAS A SILENCER ATTACHED.
FLOYD
Well, so long Barney. It's been nice.
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ANDY GRIFFITH