GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS APPROACH THE PONDEROSA RANCH HOUSE WITH LAND MAPS AND ORDERS FROM THE PRESIDENT IN HAND.

ONE OF THE G-MEN KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.

(Ben hears the knock)

Hey Hop Sing, get that will you? And if it's that bunch from the church trying to convert us again tell them the next time they come around we're going to sick our hounds on them.

Yes, Mr. Cartwright.

HOP SING OPENS THE DOOR

Hello, we're from the United States Government and -

Hop Sing not illegal! Legal! Come here to work on railroad but found better gig here. I not want trouble. I -

Hey, hold it. Hold it. We're not after you, my good Chinaman. We're looking for the owner of this ranch. Do you know where he is?

Oh yes. Mr. Cartwright owner.

(to Ben)

Hey Ben, you've got a visitor.

BEN TO HIMSELF, WHEN HE HEARS HOP SING'S CALL

Ben? Since when did that foreigner get so familiar? We'll just see about this!

BEN WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR

Why you little coolie! What's the idea of addressing me as -

BEN NOTICES VISITORS

Oh. Can I help you gentlemen?

Yes. Mr. Cartwright, I'm a representative of the U.S. Government. We're here checking out the Ponderosa as a possible site for a new Indian reservation.

BEN LAUGHING A LITTLE

I'm sorry gentlemen, the Ponderosa is not for sale. Now, if you'll -

Ah, excuse me Mr. Cartwright. We're not here to buy the Ponderosa.

Oh. Well, I thought I heard you say you were interested in the Ponderosa as an Indian reservation.

We are. But if we decide we like it, we can just take it. We don't need to buy anything. Do you understand?

BEN IS VISIBLY MAD

Yes. I understand. Now see if you understand this. I'll give you one hour to get off my land.

(arrogantly)

What if we don't?

Hop Sing, go get Hoss.

Yes sir.

OFFICIAL TO A MEMBER OF HIS PARTY

What's a hoss?

THEY ALL LAUGH

A MINUTE LATER HOSS AMBLES FROM THE KITCHEN TO THE FRONT DOOR AREA.

(proudly)

Gentlemen, Hoss. Hoss, government land rustlers.

Mr. Cartwright, are we supposed to be intimidated by the sheer mass of this man?

Not necessarily. But you are supposed to be intimidated by this.

(to Hoss)

Hoss, please demonstrate your ability to form a snap judgment.

HOSS WALKS OUT ON THE PORCH, PICKS UP A SHORT PIECE OF LUMBER AND SNAPS IT IN TWO.

OFFICIALS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND LAUGH.

So? So what!

HOSS LOOKS INSULTED.

Ok. Any one of you guys want to try that?

Yeah, I believe Oscar would like to try it. Oscar?

OSCAR STEPS FORWARD, REMOVES HIS WHITE SHIRT, REVEALING A HERCULEAN BUILD, PICKS UP A PIECE OF WOOD SIMILAR TO THE ONE HOSS BROKE AND SNAPS IT INTO 8 PIECES.

BEN AND HOSS LOOK AT EACH OTHER, EACH OBVIOUSLY THINKING THEIR VISITORS MAY BE MORE FORMIDABLE FOES THAN FIRST IMAGINED.

(deciding he must take his best shot now)

Big deal! Hoss is just warming up. Right Hoss?

(caught off guard)

Ah, yeah. Right, Pa.

Now gentlemen, Hoss will demonstrate a feat so powerful that it has never been used on humans here on the Ponderosa. Once three horses had to be dealt with this way, rest their souls.

BEN CUTS HIS EYES TO THE G-MEN TO SEE IF HE CAN FIGURE OUT IF THEY'RE BUYING ANY OF THIS SCARE TACTIC.

Gentlemen, please step back.

HOP SING IS LOOKING LIKE HE HAS NO IDEA OF WHAT IS TO COME.

(to Ben)

What Mr. Hoss going to do?

(quietly to hop sing)

Shut up, Hop Sing.

(to visitors)

Hoss will now do the Nevada Explosion. Please! Gentlemen! Please stand back. I beg you.

(quietly to Ben)

Let's not overdo it.

(beat)

How the devil am I supposed to do the Nevada Explosion?

(quietly to Hoss)

I don't know. Stall them while I send Hop Sing around the back to get Joseph and the boys to lay a trap for these men. Go on. Get going!

I give you Hoss and the Nevada Explosion. Hoss?

Hoss begins to slowly twirl and walk about speaking some unintelligible gibberish.

THE G-MEN LOOK ON WITH AMUSEMENT NOT NOTICING HOP SING LEAVING.

HOP SING RUNS OUT TO THE BUNK HOUSE TO GET LITTLE JOE AND SOME OF THE MEN.

HOP SING ENTERING THE BUNK HOUSE

Mr. Joe! Mr. Joe! Come quickly! Mr. Cartwright and Mr. Hoss in deep this time.

Quiet, Chinaman! Joe is sleeping.

Mr. Joe cannot sleep. He need get up and come to house!

Now listen, Mr. Woo, or whatever your name is. Joe was tired. He was up half the night chasing young foxes, ah, I mean, rabid foxes, out of the pasture land. Yeah, that's right. Pasture. He said under no circumstances must he be awaken. None! Now, beat it! Got it?

Hop Sing not responsible for what happen now.

HOP SING LEAVES.

MEANWHILE, HOSS IS TIRING OF CARRYING ON STALLING THE G-MEN. THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ARE ALSO BORED.

Hey, Horse. Get on with it already!

That's Hoss.

Horse, Hoss, whatever. Finish this.

(sensing unease)

Gentlemen, had enough? Scary, right?

BEN IS WONDERING WHAT IS TAKING HOP SING SO LONG TO RETURN FROM ENLISTING THE HELP OF LITTLE JOE AND SOME OF THE MEN. FINALLY HOP SING RETURNS.

(quietly to Hop Sing)

Well? Where are they?

So sorry, Mr. Cartwright. Mr. Bubba say that Mr. Joe is sleeping and do not want to be waked up. Hop Sing disrespected.

Is that so?! Well you go back there and tell Bubba that either he wakes Joseph or I'll personally come out there and whip his butt.

(beat)

Go!

HOP SING RETURNS TO THE BUNK HOUSE WITH THE FRESH THREAT.

HOP SING IN THE BUNK HOUSE, FACING BUBBA.

Mr. Cartwright say that if you don't wake Mr. Joe he will come out here and wipe your butt.

Wipe? Are you sure he didn't say whip?

You right. Mr. Cartwright say whip. He whip your butt.

(being difficult)

You go tell old man Cartwright that if he wants me to wake up Joe he'll have to tell me how to wake him up. Rudely or gently or what?

(about to laugh)

Now go on, Chinaman. Git!

HOP SING HUSTLES BACK TO HOUSE TO REPORT BACK TO BEN.

MEANWHILE, HOSS HAS STOPPED HIS ACT AND HAS GONE INTO THE KITCHEN TO SNATCH A MORSEL OF FOOD TO SUSTAIN HIS BULK.

THE GOVERNMENT GUYS ARE ASLEEP ON THE PORCH.

Mr. Cartwright, Bubba say that he need to know how to wake Mr. Joe. Gently or rudely.

Oh for the love of -

Hey, Hop Sing, I've got an idea. Help me move Oscar out to the bunk house. Be careful not to wake him up.

OSCAR IS MOVED OUT TO THE BUNK HOUSE WHERE HE CONTINUES TO SAW LOGS. HOP SING AND BEN RETURN TO THE HOUSE.

Hop Sing, go into the kitchen and give a yank on the cable labeled "bunk house". Go!

HOP SING FOLLOWS DIRECTIONS AND SOON THEREAFTER HEARS A TREMENDOUS EXPLOSION OUT BACK. HE QUICKLY RUNS TO THE WINDOW TO SEE ONLY SPLINTERS LEFT WHERE THE BUNK HOUSE ONCE STOOD.

THE REMAINDER OF THE G-MEN ARE ABRUPTLY AWAKENED.

And there you have it gentlemen. Hoss doing the Nevada Explosion.

THE GOVERNMENT MEN REALIZE THAT THEIR MUSCLE-BOUND REPRESENTATIVE HAS DISAPPEARED.

Hey. We're missing Oscar!

So you are. Well, like I was saying gentlemen. The Ponderosa is not for sale.

(quietly to Hop Sing)

Sing, go see if Joseph made it out in time.

(quietly to Ben)

Who?

Touché!

BOTH MEN CHUCKLE.