On today's show we call a woman who claims to be able read palms via just their description over the phone.

Here's the ad we saw:

Madam Simpkins ePalm Reading - Get your palm image to us by fax, email or simply call and describe your palm and Madam Simpkins will amaze you. Come on, what are you, afraid or something? Readings starting at $25. All major cards accepted.

Hello. I am from the investigative TV show, Scripted Asurdity. Is this Madam Simpkins, the e-palm reader?

No. Do I sound like a Madam? Wait just a minute. She is in the middle of an e-squabble.

What is an e-squabble?

She's arguing with someone using email. I don't know. Hold on. Wait, here she is.

Hello, is this Madam Simpkins?

Yes, it is. Do you have an appointment?

No, Madam Simpkins, we are just calling to see if we can arrange a call-in palm reading.

Well, I am pretty booked. Let me check my schedule.

I think any time this month woul-

How about now?

Giddy up. What do I have to do?

Hold it, sweetie. First things first. Let's see, we need to go over the ground rules first. Do you have a major credit card?

Yes.

Do you have a checking account?

Why do you need to know that?

In case the credit card is bogus. Just to protect myself.

Well, I don't think you need to know that.

Fine, you need to then give me a line of credit routing number.

Madam Simpkins, I'm not doing that. Let's just forget the whole thing.

Well, you sound honest. The credit card number will do. I need to you use your phone keypad and enter the card number now.

Ok. Is this line secure?

Huh?

I said, is this line secure?

All of our lines are secure. What did you expect?

Ok. The number has been entered. Are we ready now?

Ah, ah, ah. Let's have that big expiration date now.

On the keypad?

On the keypad.

2-digit year?

2-digit year.

Done.

Now, we're almost set. You married?

What? What does this have to do with the palm reading?

Just making small talk.

Well, let's get on with things, can we?

Ok, let's begin. Now, the way this works is, I ask you questions, some about your palm - either left or right, you pick - and some about general aspects of your life.

I have never been read. What is it you will be able to tell me?

Well, every time it is different. We just have to see where things go. Now, hold your left palm up and facing you so you can see the lines. Orient your palm so that your fingers are pointing up. I will use the compass-direction points for line and mark orientation. You cool with that?

I'm cool, Madam. Please get on with it!

Can you hold on a second? I've got to sneeze. AHH-CChHHoooooo! Excuse me. Yuk, let me get a hanky. Just a second. Ok.

Still waiting.

Now, do you see the long line crossing from NW to SE?

The lower one?

The big one.

Both of them seem the same size. You mean the longer one?

The more squiggly one.

They both look the same. Hey, is the meter running on all of this setup time?

Meter?

Are you charging me for this nonsense?

The cost is proportional to the time it takes. Does that answer your question?

Where am I now?

You're right at $13.

We haven't even started! Please speed this up.

Now, where were we? You stopped my train of thought, and that isn't good. A train of thought for me is what it's all about. You better just go with the flow from here on out or this could get very costly.

We haven't even determined which of my palm lines you are talking about yet!

I am talking about the one that meets the other line coming from the bottom. You do have a bottom line, don't you?

Is this the way all of these phone readings go? This is ridiculous!

You do have a bottom line, don't you?

Yes! I have a bottom line!

Calm down, sir. Now, here's where the magic begins. Now that you and I have aligned your palm, please follow the middle line from north to south and tell me if crosses one or more than one other large palm line.

What are you talking about?! My palm doesn't have that many lines! This is making me real mad, Madam.

Ok. Never mind all of that. I -

What is the meter at now?

Huh?

How much do I owe right now?

Ah, excuse me, just a second. AHH-CChHHoooooo! Excuse me. Let's see, right now you owe $68.

What?! This is outrageous!

Just hold your right palm up to the light and tell me which direction your big line is pointing.

It's pointing over there.

Ok, now we're getting somewhere. Do you have a tingle in your left leg now or not?

Right leg?

Left leg.

No. No tingle.

How about now?

No! Meter?

$123. Now we're ready to really get to the bottom line for you.

Which line is that, with my palm sitting as it is?

No, I mean we're going to get to the point where I can tell your future. That bottom line.

Finally!

Now, I see something really odd in your life. Do you have a job?

Yes.

Ok. Do you go to work most days?

Yes.

Ok, there's your problem.

Problem? Who's got a problem?

I thought you did.

No. Hey, what is this? Where's that meter now?

Forget the meter. Sometimes it registers a little high. Do you eat much dairy?

I drink milk and eat a moderate amount of cheese, if that what you mean.

And you think that is ok?

Yeah. Pretty normal, right?

Wrong. Look, Mr. Absurdity, I have to tell you some bad news. I am getting the feeling that you are going to need to consider becoming Mormon.

Why?

I see three, maybe four, wives in your future.

Simultaneously?

That, I can't tell. Perhaps. Mormon is the safety net.

And when is all of this supposed to happen?

In the far, far future. Yes, maybe 20 years, give or take a month.

So, is the reading over now?

Depends.

On what?

How much money you want to spend.

And the meter?

It broke. Broken meters automatically force the max charge: $1850. Sorry.

Oh yeah, this was real reasonable! Good thing the card number I gave you up front was fake. You didn't even run it, did you?

Doesn't matter cause our people will soon have already drained your Social Security account. I may be part Gypsy, but there are geek Gypsies too! Ever heard of Brother Simpkins? He's the guy who answered the phone. PhD in computer science from Stanford. How does that grab you?

Why you, I oughtta ...