CRF


	WEE HOURS

12AM	NIGHT CLUB SCENE - Live music, 1 hr. Direct from their 3-week engagement at the Sunshine Coin Laundry in Bangalore, India the Svengalis of Soul, featuring Ramani Gupta.

1AM	MR. ED - Comedy, 30 min. Ed eats breakfast, services Wilbur's vegetable garden, wallows in the back lot, then knocks off for the rest of the day.

1AM	U.S. HISTORY - BACKPAGES - Education, 1 hr. Host William Harris and American Revolution expert Mort Stukey discuss the credibility and underlying significance of the oft-cited Saul Peabody narrative, "After a particularly ugly battle in the American Revolution General George Washington, intent on establishing a sense of calm among his troops, stood up in his saddle, removed his hat, coat and shirt and began to strike Atlas style poses. Men not quieted by this activity were 'shown the pile of splinters', reportedly from the production of several sets of Washington's wooden teeth."

2AM	BONANZA - Western, 1 hr. Hoss gets bitten by a rattlesnake while tending his prize roosters. Little Joe suspects fowl play.

3AM	STAR TREK - Science fiction, 1 hr. In a rare, obstreperous mood, Mr. Spock sneaks the Enterprise into another dimension and blames Sulu.

3:30	FATHER KNOWS BEST - Sitcom, 30 min. In an attempt to improve his physics grade, Bud experiments with quantum effects in semiconductor technology. It doesn't work. The teacher, not being a huge intellect, is completely unimpressed, unamused and fails Bud for wasting time in class with an experiment carried out at least four decades too soon.

4AM	"WHO STRUCK JOHN" - Movie, 1 hr. 1962. Bette Davis and and Popeye the Sailor. Nautical comedy based loosely on the story of the sinking of the Titanic. It is easy to see why the accomplishments of the film's editors in their blending the cartoon character into Ms. Davis's love scenes, won the film's technical staff multiple Academy Award nominations.

4:30	ALL IN THE FAMILY - Sitcom, 30 min. Archie Bunker's idea to raise his own Thanksgiving turkey in the guest room turns sour when Gloria begins to treat the bird as a pet, dressing it up in her old doll clothes and reading it nursery rhymes.

5:30	HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN - Drama, 1 hr. "Angel With an Angle". Jonathan realizes just how effectively he can work the angel gimmick to his advantage, especially when it comes to picking up orthodox women.

	MORNING

6:30	THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES - Comedy, 30 min. Grannie screws up a swimming-pool sized batch of lye soap, siphons the ruined mixture into the storm drain, gets caught doing so and has to part with a cool million to prevent an ugly court case.

6:30	FOWL PLAY - Sporting birds, 30 min. Old fashioned cock fight pitting Uncle Remus, a newcomer, against War Hero, a four time winner. The venue will be an untraditional rhombus shaped ring.

9AM	THE REAL McCOYS - Comedy, 30 min. Amos takes the agricultural con to new heights when he convinces George McMichael to pay him to deal with the Department of Agriculture to settle the issue of the rights "not to have to not grow corn" unless "unsuitable weather is not impending" and "no one else is unable to not grow a grain crop in the vicinity".

9:30	BEWITCHED - Comedy, 30 min. Bored with her ho-hum witch's life, Samantha turns herself into a clump of indigestable roughage on Darren's dinner plate just to experience the thrill of a speedy cruise down his alimentary canal.

10:30	MY THREE SONS - Comedy, 30 min. Bub schools the Douglas kids in the fine art of the television situation comedy as he forces them to endure hour after hour of I Love Lucy reruns, having to pay special attention to the antics of Fred Mertz.

11AM	MR. ED - Comedy, 30 min. Ed's digestive system goes haywire again at 2AM for the third time in as many days. An increasingly impatient Wilbur vows to find the shortest road to the glue factory.

	AFTERNOON

2:30	HAWAII FIVE-0 - Drama, 1 hr. Danno has a hard time turning down an offer from the Samoan police department. Not to be outdone, McGarrett instantly fires his own resume off to Pango Pango, Bora Bora and Borneo.

4PM	OVER-WEIGHT WRESTLING! - Wrestling, 1 hr. Two-man, all-"Haystaks" tag team event featuring "Haystacks" Flannagan (560 lbs) and "Haystacks" Miller (313 lbs) v. "Haystacks" Roberts (733 lbs) and "Haystacks" Whitaker, aka, "The Mountain Man", aka "Thud!" (844 lbs)

5PM	STAR TREK - Science fiction, 1 hr. Bones' modern remedies are rendered completely ineffective against a strange rash Kirk develops after a brief visit to the intergalactic women's prison planet of Gammon-4.

	EVENING

6:30	MARY TYLER MOORE - Comedy, 30 min. Rhoda is caught shoplifting and Mary chooses the witness stand at Rhoda's preliminary hearing to practice her Japanese.

MARY TYLER MOORE

"Ah so, Honorable Your Honor"

INT: CITY COURT ROOM

LAWYER WALKS TO THE WITNESS STAND WHERE RICHARDS IS SEATED.

LAWYER

Now, Ms. Richards - or is it Mrs Richards?

RHODA

(from defendant seat)

You're kidding, right?

MARY GLARES AT RHODA.

JUDGE

Quiet, you!

LAWYER

Now, Ms. Richards, how long have you known the defendant, Ms Morganstern?

RICHARDS

Shi koto. Hitah!

LAWYER

Excuse me?

MARY

Shi koto. Hitah!

LAWYER

What is that, some sort of jibberish?

(smiling)

Can you speak English, please?

MARY

Shi koto. Shi koto! Asha!

JUDGE

Ms. Richards. You must answer the question. In English.

LAWYER

Now, Ms. Richards, again, how long have you known the defendant, Ms Morganstern?

MARY APPEARS TO BE MOVING HER ARMS IN A MARTIAL ARTS TYPE MOTION.

MARY

Ata! Hikoshumi! Nakitakitakitak!

JUDGE

What is the meaning of this!? Ms. Richards, if you don't cooperate I will be forced to hold you in contempt.

MARY

What? You don't understand Japanese? Pretty good huh? Or as the Nipponese like to way, "Amikasata": May the infinitely-righteous judicial force be with you throught your long life.

JUDGE

You said all that in one word?

(beat)

Just for that, a "takamisato ana kaditia ishumoru": A $500 fine. Pay the baliff on your way out.

MARY

No. You said, "May the poison mutton doom your grandfather's enterprise".

JUDGE

Baliff! Remove this "shagasita" from my court!

BALIFF CHUCKLES OUT LOUD.