Ok, Barn, you know the drill. We roll out the red carpet for this King and we give him a plate full of Aunt Bee's good food. Then we take him over to city hall where the Mayor presents the King with a key to the city. Then we show him around some more, then we hustle him out of here. Got it? We really aren't geared up here to maintaining the security a King will require.

Andy, you can't treat a King like a regular dignitary. We'll be the laughing stock around the world if you do. No. We have to show his highness special treatment.

Like what, Barn? Maybe a little harmonica tune from you?

Not necessarily. We could line up some of Mayberry's better talent and give him kind of like a show or something. What do you think about that idea?

It stinks. Won't work. And that sounds vaguely like the plot from another of our shows anyway.

BARNEY IS BECOMING MAD.

And why not?! I know if I was a king, I'd love to listen to our singers and musicians. And so would he! Come on, Andy. Hey, maybe Aunt Bee could resurrect her geisha-girl fan dance. You think so?

Please Barney, I just ate.

Why don't we just stick to my original plan? It's the simplest and most foolproof.

But, Andy, it's got no pizazz! No panache!

Barney, Mayberry is not a panache town. You know it, I know it. It ain't. So forget it!

Andy, you're the sheriff here but I am going to have to do something I had hoped I would never have to do.

What's that Barn?

I'm going to have to blackmail you into agreeing with me.

What?! What in the world are you talking about?

(gets smug expression going)

You remember that little lady that came down here from Raleigh in the Spring to audit our books?

Yeah.

Well, I took pictures!

Took pictures of what?

Come on, lover boy, don't pretend with me. I've got the goods on you.

Barney, what are you talking about?

Ok, I guess I'll have to spell it out for you. I've got pictures of you and her together. Need I say more?

Only if you want me to understand what you mean.

You and that little lady together at the diner? Ring a bell now?

No, I can't say as it does.

I've got a big, fat eight by ten glossy of you and her both eating a slice of pie! There, I said it. So, now are we going to entertain this king my way?

Barney, aren't you forgetting a couple of things?

Huh?

Aren't you forgetting that I don't have a wife for you to tell anything to, even if there was something to tell?

Oh, yeah. Well, I could show the pictures to Opie and Aunt Bee.

Aunt Bee? She wouldn't care. She likes pie. Especially her own.

Huh?

Barney, you know that Aunt Bee supplies the pies for the diner.

And, as for Opie, he wouldn't know blackmail if it came up and bit him.

AUNT BEE COMES WADDLING INTO THE JAIL HOUSE.

Oh, hello boys. I brought you some egg roll and wan tan soup.

What's with the Oriental motif, Aunt Bee?

Oh, I don't know. I just got in a mood to do the Japanese thing this afternoon. I even dragged out my geisha-girl stuff and tried it on.

Did it fit?

Oh, of course not. I've put on a ton since those days.

Try two tons!

Ok, two tons. The point being, I could never get into it again, unless ...

(perks up)

Unless what, Aunt Bee?

Unless I got motivated by being told I would be able to meet royalty or something like that if I did drop the excess blubber.

Barney! What have you been telling Aunt Bee?

Well, Andy, I knew you'd never go for the idea of Aunt Bee being a stripper for the king, which was my original idea, but I thought the geisha-girl thing might fly.

Well, fly it's not going to do!

Oh Andy, I was kind of getting excited about being a fan dancer again. Remember when you used to bring little Opie down to the club to watch me "jiggle", as he used to put it?

Yeah. Yeah I do. As I recall though you tipped the Toledos at about 270 then, so there sure was alot of "jiggling" going on! Yes siree. A whole lot of jiggling!

PHONE RINGS.

Hello? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the king will be skipping Mayberry today after all? Ok. Ok. Bye.

ANDY HANGS UP THE PHONE.

Sorry Aunt Bee. You can pack up you geisha-girl stuff now.

Shoot! I was looking forward to that king. Shoot!

Barney, suppose I go home and put my costume on then come back to give you a private showing? Huh? Will that cheer you up? Plenty of rolls of fat showing!

(looking queasy)

Ah, thanks anyway Aunt Bee. But I think I have got to go watch TV or something. Bye.