CARTER IS SEARCHING FRANTICALLY FOR HIS CAR KEYS, TRYING TO AVOID BEING LATE TO BUNNY'S HOUSE.

GOMER AND DUKE ARE HIDING BEHIND THE SHRUBBERY, SNICKERING AT EACH SHADE OF RED CARTER TURNS.

(shouting)

BOYLE! BOYLE! WHERE ARE MY KEYS!

Gee, Sgt. Carter, I don't know. Maybe you left them in your other pants.

Good idea!

CARTER RUSHES OVER TO HIS LOCKER TO CHECK HIS OTHER PANTS POCKETS.

(censored)! Where could they be?! You don't suppose Pyle has anything to do with this do you?

GOMER PANICS AND LEAPS OUT OF THE BUSHES UPON HEARING SGT. CARTER SUSPECT HIM.

Gomer! Wait! Where are you going? He'll never find us here. Wait!

CARTER HEARS DUKE'S CALLS TO PYLE AND COMES OUT OF HIS HUT AND OVER TO THE AREA WHERE HE THOUGHT HE HAD HEARD DUKE SHOUTING.

Who's in there? Come out or so help me I'll toss a grenade in there. 1 .... 2 ....

No! Wait, Sgt. Carter. It's just me, Duke Slater.

Slater! What in the (censored) are you doing behind those bushes? Spying on me? Spying. Is that right, Slater?

Well, you see, I'm uh, I was looking for my Medal of Honor I think I lost here the other day.

Medal of Honor!? Fat chance. Now, for the last time, what were you doing back there?

Well, Gomer and -

Pyle? Pyle? Pyle has something to do with this too? I knew it! Boyle, didn't I tell you? I knew it! What was Pyle doing here?

I think that he's the one who stole your car keys, as a way to get you back for being mean to him. In fact, I know he did this. There. I've got it off of my chest. Whew!

How did you know my keys were missing?

Oh, just a wild guess. We're they really missing? Really?

Boyle, go get Pyle and bring him to me, NOW!

Yes, Sgt. Right away.

A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER, BOYLE AND PYLE RETURN. SGT. CARTER RUNS UP AND GIVES PYLE A KICK TO THE GROIN. PYLE DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN.

Now, there! I bet you won't try to pull one on THIS Sgt. again!

Sgt. Carter? I just wanted to say that I was against the idea to hide your car keys in the first place. It was all Pyle's idea. Yes sir, that hayseed marine hatched it just the other day.

PYLE PEERS UP FROM HIS DOUBLED OVER POSTURE TO GIVE DUKE THE EVIL EYE.

Duke, why you sorry (censored). I ought to cut you right here and now! If I had my blade I would.

DUKE, FEELING EMPOWERED BY THE PROXIMITY OF THE SGT., BEGINS TO SHOUT REDNECK JOKES AT PYLE.

Hey Gomer, what's the difference between a farmer and a mule's butt? Give up?

No, I don't Duke, you evil, evil person. Shame, shame, shame!

Ah Gomer, pipe down. It was only a little fun. Come on, take a joke.

I'm sorry! That's just not funny! Sgt. Carter, it was Duke's idea to file the edges off your ignition key.

Oh yeah? Well it was Pyle's idea to remove the starter from your car.

That's right, it was. But what about your idea to hide rancid fish in his glove compartment and under his seats!

Okay, I'll admit it. That was a little extreme.

A little extreme? A little extreme?

That's what I said.

That's what I thought you said! Just for this stunt you two are going to be drummed out of the Marines! Forever!

But Sgt. Carter. What about our retirements?

What retirements?

Gollllleeeee!