Well, Tommy. We've arrived! Our own TV show! Are you ready?

Ready for what?

Show number 1?

I thought we had never gotten beyond just discussing the TV show concept. Haven't we jumped the gun here?

Never mind. In honor of it being Groundhog Day + 22, let's do a quasi-automotive puzzler.

(in hunchback voice)

Yes, master, but we haven't had even one real guest yet! Isn't the puzzler kind of out of sequence?

(laughing)

Oh, right.

Well, I'm sure we have a guest just waiting to come on.

RAY SPOTS A STAGE HAND MOTIONING THAT A GUEST IS INDEED READY TO BE INTRODUCED.

Yes we do. Please help me welcome Ned from Houston. Ned?

NED COMES OUT AND TAKES A SEAT WITH TOM AND RAY.

Ned. Do you spell that with one "e" or two?

Shut up Tommy.

So, Ned, what's up?

Well, I've got a white 66 Dodge Dart that hesitates something awful when it's cold outside.

(laughing)

A 66 Dodge Dartra! Wow! A guy after my own heart.

Yes. Well, does the car run once it gets warmed up?

Yes.

How about letting Ned answer the question, huh?

TOMMY GETS A QUIZZICAL EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.

Well, Ned?

Yes. Once it gets warmed up it runs like a top. Smooth.

Well, there goes that theory!

What theory? You didn't even put forth one yet.

Oh yeah, I guess I got carried away. The theory was that I thought that the carburetor might be kaput. But now I don't think so.

Why? That's what I was thinking. It almost has to be, doesn't it?

Well, if Ned had said the car was blue I would have stuck with the theory, but since he said the car was white I think the carburetor idea is a red herring.

Red herring? What's the matter with you? That term is something we have reserved for puzzler obfuscation language. We need that term in the puzzler context to get a cheap laugh at that point in the show.

And there's something else I don't follow. I don't get the joke about the color of the car we use over and over again when we're hard up for material during a call?

Hey, I'm sure Ned here doesn't want to hear us bickering. I bet he'd rather get a reasonable answer to his question. Right, Ned?

It would be nice. I came a long way for it, you know.

You mean our staff didn't pay for your trip to be here?

No. I had to pay for it myself. They claim they'll reimburse me but I don't know.

Hey Ray, let's get another data point for our survey.

Well, alright. Ned, we want to get your opinion about a few things. You game?

Sure.

Ok, here it is. Please rate the following statements by replying with a number from 1 to 10, with 1 being a strong disagreement and 10 being strong agreement. Ready?

Yes.

Statement one. I feel Ray is the star of the show, star being defined as one who sounds more intelligent and convincing.

Five.

(laughing)

Alright!

(cutting eyes to Tom)

Statement two. I feel Tom would screw up the show if left alone for more than five minutes.

Eight

(laughing)

I see Ned is quite observant.

Ned, you die!

Statement three. Ray is the Boss. Tom is just a stooge.

Nine

(laughing)

Touché!

Nine? Gees! Who made these statements up?

And the last statement. The puns I fill time with at the end of each show are witty, fresh and amusing no matter how many times I repeat them.

Ah, two.

Finally! Ned, I thought your brain had been on vacation, my man. But your taste has finally shown itself.

Hey guys. Mind if I ask a question?

What happened to the real meat of this show? TV has already turned you two into two mugging, lame hams. I hope your mother doesn't see this. Or those junkyard, I mean, auto recycling, characters down the street. This is pitiful! Take my advice and stick to radio.

You think he's right?

Let's poll the crew. Bugsy? Jennifer?

Ok guys, that's a wrap. Oh yeah, NPR will air a rerun of "The Arturo Fuente Comedy Stop" in this slot next week.

Maybe we came on a little strong.

On the contrary. Maybe we came on a little weak!

You know, we never got to the puzzler. That's probably why we bombed.

So? Moot now, right?

Hey! Maybe we could dig into the mail bag!

Tommy! Read my lips! WE'RE OFF THE AIR! FINISHED! THROUGH!

Well, how about I start ranting and raving about some trite topic like GM's deluxe plastic stick-on appointments?

Well, we could give it try.

Not today boys. Take my advice. Stick to socking it to customers in that bogus garage of yours.