On today's show we have a man who ran an admittedly dangerously subjective scratch-and-sniff lottery in his store. Here's the news story we saw:

SLEW, SC - A small store owner, bold and some say reckless enough to run his own lottery to boost his business, is now in legal hot water. Jim McFoos has disputed many of his customers' assertions that the odors associated with their copies of the unique scratch-and-sniff "tropical passion fruit" lottery tickets are winners. According to an insider, McFoos may have only used musk-scented tickets to assure no possible winners. Nevertheless, customers assure him that they have smelled the winning odor of "mango" on their tickets.

Please welcome Mr. McFoos, the person who was running his own scratch-and-sniff lottery.

Thanks. Did I tell you that my customers are driving me nuts?

You mean they are claiming to sniff odors you think are not on the tickets?

I know they are not on the tickets!

Wait a second. How do you know?

Ah, well, I mean I don't smell what they are smelling.

Mr. McFoos, what possessed you to even run this odd-ball type of a lottery in the first place?

Why does anybody try anything like this? To increase my sales. What do you think?

But why in the world did you go with such a subjectively-determined outcome?

Huh?

I mean, who is to say what someone else can smell?

Look, just between you and me, there were no tickets sold that had anything other than a musk type smell. You know, like a goat stench.

Nothing that you would have thought could be confused with mango?

Why, no! Have you ever smelled a male goat? There is no way that that odor could be confused with a fruit smell. No way.

What I am talking about is, how could you possibly know what someone else smells? Who knows how messed-up someone's sense of smell might be?

I see what you are saying. Yeah. Uh ...

You could be in a heap of trouble. By the way, what would the winning ticket or tickets get anyway?

A year's supply of Sugar Daddys.

Just some suckers?! Hey, we read that you are in some degree of legal trouble already. What's that all about?

Oh, when the first "winner" came in claiming they smelled a mango I cursed at them in front of some nuns.

Well, I guess that could be trouble.

Apparently, it is. I am facing a court date next Friday.

I still can't get over you getting so torqued over some cheap suckers. Even if everyone won!

You know, it was my wife who thought up the sniff-lottery thing. I wanted to just raise the prices a little here and there and see if anyone caught on.

Why didn't your wife like your idea?

She said that nickel- and dime-ing the clientele was, to quote her, "nowhere". The "chump way" to do business. She thought we could jump the bottom line much quicker by going her way.

So, she recommended the notion of using musk-smelling tickets?

No, that was my idea.

Aside from the stupidity of the notion of a scratch-and-sniff lottery, why would your customers be so hung-up over the Sugar Daddy suckers? Aren't those things a dime a dozen, pretty much?

They are delicacies here. Nobody can get them. Everybody wants them. Everybody!

You mean your customers like them better than Tootsie-Roll Pops?

Oh, yeah. No contest. The 'Daddys last way longer! Plus, they are bigger.

This is one of the most disappointing interviews we have ever done. There's nothing here! Nothing. Very lame. Sorry to have taken up your time, ladies and gentlemen.

What? This is not interesting to you?

It's, to quote your own wife, nowhere.

Did I mention I also told the ticket buyers I'd inoculate them against all know strains of the flu if they won?

Ah, no, you must have forgotten that tid-bit.

Yeah, I made up a batch of the vaccine myself. Used some left-over cat medicine the vet sold me and my nephew's chemistry set.

Goodbye.