On today's show we have a storeowner who encountered a very large snake. Here's the news story we saw:

SPLEEN, CA - A scare began to radiate through the town last week when an exotic, dangerous snake escaped from its 12-year old owner and disappeared into the brush near the only grocery store in town. Numerous reports continue to be made by residents who claim to have seen the serpent "bear its fangs" when they tried to enter the front door of the store.

We called Mr. Simon, the Spleen grocery store manager.

Hello? Is this Mr. Simon?

Are you the dog catcher from Rifle?

Who?

The dog catcher from the next town? I thought that their dog catcher could also help collect other types of vermin. I heard he ran a load of large mice off once.

No, this is Scripted Absurdity. We're just interested in asking about the situation with the snake. Can you talk about this for a few minutes?

There is nobody here buying anything because of that blessed snake! Ah, yeah! ... I believe I've got a few minutes.

Are you in your store now? If so, how did you get in the store when others can't?

I ain't never left! The snake wouldn't let me!

Wait a second. What kind of snake is it anyway?

Big! Who knows? I know it has fangs though. I'm not going to be the first one bit.

Mr. Simon, don't you think you people may be over-reacting?

Sammy's father said it was an overgrown Golden Rodent snake, one of the most dangerous types of snakes in the world. You gonna argue with Sammy's father?

Who is Sammy or his father?

The kid who lost the snake! His father is a big shot over at the power company. He sees snakes all the time.

Let me see ... I'm looking it up now ... It says here that a Golden Rodent snake is only poisonous if it is harassed.

Harassed? Hmmm. Well, so, if nobody messes with the snake it may be docile, then? Maybe it won't get after me or any of my patrons after all. Thanks. I'm going to put up new window signs.

What will the new signs say?

Stuff like, "Shhhh! The snake is asleep. Be quiet and come on in. It probably won't get you."

That will probably work! Mr. Simon, have you ever even seen the snake youself?

Well, no.

Where is it supposed to be hiding? Right up against the store?

So they say. I mean the thing is supposed to be about 40 feet long! It can't hide just anywhere. Must be in the long stretch of shrubs out in front.

Wait a second! Forty feet?! How could any little kid ever have had such a large reptile as a pet?

I don't know. That's beside the point, don't you think? The creature is here and my walk-in business isn't.

Yeah, that must be rough. Not only are your employees out of work but how about the people in your town? What are they eating?

Well, I think they go over to the Piggly in Toonie.

Getting back to the capture of the snake, can't you go out and spray it with something to force it out of the shrubs?

You may be on to something. But, what would I spray it with?

What about some deodorant?

Nope, I'd have to get too close. How about some of that bee spray that shoots a stream about 10 feet?

Works for me. Listen, Mr. Simon, we want you to call us back after this is over. OK?

Hold on. I've got the spray right here. I'll let you know in just a minute whether it works or not.

Mr. Simon? Hello?

Yeah! I'm back! Didn't work. The serpent didn't even move.

So you saw the snake, I mean, serpent this time?

Think so. Yeah.

Did you squirt it in its face?

I think I got his tail. He was the other way. He was facing away from the door.

Mr. Simon, please call us back when this whole snake thing blows over.

Aieeee! Here it comes! Ayyyy! Call the Police! It's coming in my store!

Hello? Mr. Simon?