On today's show we have a man who claims to be a foolproof weather predictor. Vonce is a 45-year-old farmer who uses his innate abilities to plan for everything from crop planting time to backyard picnics. He has never been wrong. Please welcome Mr. Bill Vonce and his wife, Snowdean.

We'd like to get some facts about the amazing gift you have.

Gift?

Yeah. If what we read the other day was correct, you have an ability to predict the weather and you are never wrong.

Who said that?

About the 'never wrong' part?

No, about any of that stuff.

Well, we read it in some backwater paper we came across.

Oh. Well, you must have the wrong guy. I am just a relatively poor farmer who is teetering on the edge of bankruptcy with acres of failing crops.

Never mind that. So, you don't do weather predicting at all?

Nope. As I told you, I -

Hey, he is so the person who they wrote about. He is just being difficult. I think I can help answer your questions.

Why would he not want to tout his ability? And what was that about bankruptcy?

Well, that part was right. We're just about finished. The cotton we planted didn't even come up and the 'taters are too small.

Hey, maybe that's where they got the expression, "small potatoes".

(disgusted sigh)

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Sorry. But, if he really can predict the weather accurately, why can't he get a job doing that? It's surely something nobody else can do.

Hey, you might have something there. Like on TV, you mean?

Why not? And, since it is already widely known about his uncanny ability, he ought to be a shoe-in.

Do you reckon?

What?

Do you reckon the TV station here would give him a chance?

Yes.

How can you be that sure?

You want us to call the TV station and see if they would be interested?

Would you?

That's what we just said.

OK. You going to call them right soon?

Yep.

- Hey. I'm not going to do any weather on no TV. My wife is out of line here. We're farmers, not TV people. I got no interest in being on TV.

We were just thinking that another job might be a good idea, what with the bad crops and all.

Again, my wife sees bad crops. I see federal subsidy for next year. Meanwhile I go through the motions for 2 hours a day, then plop down and watch TV for the balance of the day. Nope, not interested in going on TV myself. I'm more interested in watching TV, if you get my drift.

Hey, Mr. Vonce, it's not like you had the job, or anything like that. But, do you mean to say that you'd rather lay around all day than do an honest day's work?

Honest? HONEST?! What do you know about an honest day's work?

Well, ...

Nothing! You are talking to people like me, asking questions. You call that honest?

We thought that -

'Scuse me while I take a nap.

I hope all of farming America is not like you, Mr. Vonce.

Mr. Vonce?

Hey, he's asleep already. Probably tired because of the all-nighter he pulled practicing his subsidy-begging performance.

Is he any good? Maybe acting would suit him better.