Hello, is this Mr. Fish?

Uh huh.

Mr. Fish we're the Jerkwater Journal calling to get more info on the set of your mother's cooking supplies and tools you are selling.

Yeah, what do you want to know?

First, let us offer our sincere condolences on your mother's passing.

What passing? She's still here.

But you said she was gone.

Gone as in nutty. She's gone around the bend. And there ain't no coming back, they tell me.

But, don't you still need to eat? Won't someone be cooking still?

I've converted my place to a no-kitchen pad. My mother's got a room off the movie lounge now. We order everything via room service these days. Top shelf dining.

Won't that get expensive?

Hey, that's my problem, right? And, besides, the money I will make from the sale of her cooking supplies ought to keep the food coming for me, my lady-friend visitors and my mother for quite a while, wouldn't you say?

Well, unless you have some unusual stuff in that lot, I'd say you'll be lucky to unload that crap at any price. I mean, who needs that stuff? Especially that type of used stuff?

Hey, wait a second! What are you talking about? There were many delicious omelets made with those utensils, for example.

So. Anyone can make omelets without your mother's utensils.

Are you calling my mother a sham?

No. I am just saying that if you think someone is going to pay big bucks to buy used kitchen tools, forget it!

Well, just a minute. Let me put my mother on and you tell her what you just said.

Mr. Fish, I jus-

Hello?

Is this Mr. Fish's mother?

Why, yes. Yes it is. Is this Beula?

No, Mother Fish. This is the Jerkwater Journal. We were talk-

Well Beula, Ethel called the other night and said she was a little backed up. I told her to try to fix a little saucer of bran porridge. That ought to help her.

Mother Fish. This is not Beula. We were talking to your son about the cooking -

Oh my, my son is so sweet. Yes. He is taking all of my cooking tools over to the polisher so they can be made to look brand new. Isn't that sweet of him?

Is that what he told you?

Why, yes, he -

Listen Jerkwater. I ain't got time to have you harass my poor old mother. Did you do like I asked and tell her, face to face, that her cooking tools weren't worth selling?

No, I didn't get that far yet.

Oh, well here she is again.

Mother Fish?

Hello? Is this Beula?

Yes. Can you and Ethel help me get rid of my terrible impaction?