On today's show we have a man who has preempted a town's fire department and is attempting to conduct a profitable business. Here's the news story we saw:

BOBOLINK, OR - The current recession has spawned numerous entrepreneurial start-ups but none has been of the magnitude, at least locally, of the one begun last week by Simon Rucker. Mr. Rucker, with a little help from his friends, opened his own fire department: Rucker's Fire Department. The town's existing volunteer fire department was none too pleased when it lost a handful of its most experienced members to Rucker's new organization. "Chumps fight fires for nothing. We're charging to fight fires. The more that's paid, the harder we fight," said Mr. Rucker. The concept stands the traditional notion of a community-based service on its ear and it remains to be seen to what degree the locals will buy into it, literally.

Please welcome Mr. Simon Rucker.

Thank you. Nice to be here.

By the way, I just opened a donut shop, a police department and a fire department.

A police department, too?! How can you do that?

What do you mean? I rented a building, bought some used uniforms and offered to pay the former town cops more than they were getting. Voila! A police department!

But it seems, as it does with your fire department, that that type of function is usually handled by a city or county or other municipality. What's going on there in Bobolink to have allowed this?

I'll tell you what is going on. A big fat recession. Don't tell me you didn't know that!

But how did that translate to you into a mandate to switch over to privately owned police and fire departments?

Look, the citizens were fed up paying taxes to support police and fire protection when most of them never needed it. I could sense the wind shift and smell the sweet opportunity! Now, payments are only made for actual services rendered. The more that is paid, the more services are rendered, of course. Simple.

But, does that mean that, for example, if I am being burglarized and I call your police department, you negotiate price before some comes out to my house?

Well, not exactly. In your example, if you called and said someone was breaking in to your house, we'd tell you the normal charge for a normal response-time unit to come over. If you agreed to pay we'd get your card number then send someone over. As we always will offer an expedited service also, for an increase in cost, of course, you may want to know more about what that covers. If so, we explain and -

While the burglary is ongoing?

If you'll let me finish please? If you want to know more about what the higher fee might bring to the service we provide, we explain that. But, all of that could have been determined ahead of time when we send out our "pre-need" survey.

Your "pre-need" survey?

Yeah. Here's the way it works. We mail out a survey asking questions about your family, house, stuff like that. We also present a list of hypothetical situations and ask what type service you'd like in each case. For example, we'd lay out a whole set of, sticking with our example, burglary situations. We'd give you the chance there to indicate that if the burglary is between the hours of 6PM and midnight, we should come with two men and a dog, or one man and two dogs, etc, etc. You get the idea?

So, when a real burglary occurs and someone calls, all you really have to do is say to come.

You got it.

So, can I get some samples of what this type of protection might cost?

Sure. You present the scenario and I will tell you what the options are.

Ok. Suppose some part of my house is on fire. Also, suppose it's 7:30 in the morning. What are the options and what do they cost?

Ok, we could respond with one guy, a 10-gallon can of water, driving his own car obeying all of the traffic signals. That's $50. Same thing, but with the driver going through red lights and with you assuming the cost of any traffic citations that he may get. $75. Same as the last plan with a 20-gallon can of water, $90. The next level of service starts the basic coverage of the last level but with two guys responding in a company pickup with a dalmatian, a 50-gallon tank of water and a hand pump. $200. Same as the previous degree of service but with a faster truck and a spayed dalmatian, $250. It just goes on and on from there until you get to the highest level.

And what does that provide?

At the highest level we bring our newest 1-ton duelly pulling a water tank trailer - 500 gallons - and an electric pump and then, after 10 minutes, we call the real fire department. $1000. Not many folks buy this level of protection. And, by the way, you're only allowed 2 fires per year with this level of coverage.

I can see why! Why wouldn't I call the real fire department in the first place, then?

Most likely because we would have already hired all their guys and they'd have nobody left to respond with. How about that business plan?!

Oh. Right. But it sounds to me like you are ill-equipped to handle a real large fire. Where are the hook and ladders? Don't you need them for some fires?

Well, we haven't yet. We don't deal with real large fires anyway.

Someone has to!

Well, it won't be us.

This whole thing sounds a lot like a not-so-veiled form of extortion to me.

Well, that's your opinion.

How many people have signed up for this service?

They all have.

What?!

Sure.

I'd check that fact a second time. Can't be.

Is! You've got to remember. My cops can issue summonses to those not "cooperating". And it would be a shame to have to have the full weight of that mean old completely legitimate judge Rucker come down on you, now wouldn't it?

Well, looks like you've got this town in your hip pocket.

And the irony is, I'm wearing my brand new Armani District Court Judge robe; I don't even have any hip pockets!