On today's show we have a man who claims to know of odd porcine behavior at the meat-packing plant. Here's the news story we saw:

FARMBORO, MO - Residents of this small farming community, known particularly for the delicious pork products it produces, have been showing up at their local county agent's office to complain about the suspected activites of one Dr. Goyne DeHessman, veterinarian and supposed part-time hypnotist. According to a few of the "more astute" plaintiffs, swine that would normally be complacent in their march to the abattoir are being seen involved in, to quote Cyrus McGlick, "mutinous, unpig-like behavior", usually causing delays in the pork loin or baby back rib production line.

Please welcome Mr. Cyrus McGlick.

Mr. McGlick, we'd like to ask you about the pig situation in Farmboro.

Sure.

Good. Thanks. First, what is your association with the porcine operation in Farmboro?

The what?

The porcine operation. The pig operation?

Why didn't you say that in the first place? You think you know more than I do or something?

Certaily not. Please excuse me. What is your affiliation with the pig goings-on there? Now, is that plain enough?

I'll pretend I didn't hear that last part.

I am the head knocker in the Let's All Eat Pork at Every Meal Group of Farmboro. It's made up of a bunch of us pig farmers and pork processor types. All of us are interested in getting the most oink for the doink, if you know what I mean.

I guess I don't know what you mean. Is that an inside pig joke?

Sure. Why not?

Why are you so concerned about Dr. DeHessman? How could he be in any way colluding with animals to achieve anything? I mean, come on!

All I know is, one, Dr. DeHessman is the only vet around here and he visits each farm regularly; two, he is into mesmerization - hypnosis - in a way that is a little weird, to be honest with you.

Weird in what way?

I've witnessed, with my own eyeballs, DeHessman attempting to coerce a sow into standing on only its hind legs as he plays a tune on some sort of hair comb.

Was he successful?

Well, no.

Then how do you know what he was attempting to do?

Because, wise guy, I heard him ask the pig to stand up on its back legs. That's why!

But, if the pig didn't do it, couldn't this whole thing be chalked up to the actions of an eccentric guy?

You might think that if that had been all there was.

There's more?

Well, no. Not that I,personally, have seen.

Huh?

I mean, I've heard others talk about when DeHessman was tossing out spells and hexes like they were hard candy as he routinely vaccinated the hogs.

What was he supposed to have been trying to do in those instances?

Who knows! Probably to cause the pigs to stage a general uprising. We're just lucky things didn't get that far.

Let's get back to the subject of the news article, can we?

Hey, I have been trying to lay the groundwork for proving DeHessman is a dangerous kook.

What, quote, unpig-like behavior did you notice at the abbatoir?

Well, for one thing, I saw a pig kind of begin moving back and forth, sideways, holding up the whole rest of the line. It was as if some powerful Sam and Dave recording was being heard, but only to the pig. And, oh by the way, DeHessman was known to be on the property at the time. How about that?! Maybe he was sending the pig a Stax groove that only it could hear!

And you thought that was strange?

We just cannot have stuff like that going on. Counterproductive, you know.

Mr McGlick, I think it's you who has a screw loose.

Why you! I oughtta ...

Ah, ah. No threats now, please. Tell me, has your picnic run short of sandwiches? Are you a few fries short of a Happy Meal? Got a leak in the old think tank?

Ok, OK. Now who's dressing up for a slander party?

Oh, I see we're about out of time. Well, we need to say goodbye to Mr. McGLick now.

Huh?