This is the city, Los Angeles, California.

Officer Bill Gannon and I were working the daywatch out of, OWCH!, robbery division when we got the case of the missing Port-a-Potty. OWWW! Make that plural: Port-a-Potties.

Joe, what's wrong? That big 'rhoid again?

You got it. Well, heh heh, I got it.

Haven't you had that hemorrhoid going on two months? Joe, you gotta get rid of that thing!

Yeah, thanks. I didn't know that.

My wife claims she cured hers by squatting over a large lit candle. Maybe that's the way to go.

(beat)

My partner, Bill Gannon, and I had just finished a turkey on wheat and wiped our mouths when we got a call from the Captain.

(Joe on the phone)

Yes.

Yes.

OW! Sorry.

Yes.

Yes. Yes

Nooooo!

What is he saying? What is he saying?

(covering the phone mouthpiece)

OWWWW! Oooo. OWWWW!

(beat)

Bill, now don't you think I'll tell you when I finish?! OWWWW!

(goes back to the phone call)

Yes.

Yes. Yes

Yes.

Yes.

Ok. Bye.

(hangs up phone)

Well?

The Captain wants us to also get him a cheese, OWWW!, on whole wheat next time we send out.

BOTH MEN ARE SHOWN SHAKING THEIR HEADS "YES".

Well, you feel up to taking a trip to the donut shop?

I realize we are both employed by the Police Dept but how can you suggest we get donuts to eat when we need to get a bead on the Port-a-Potty thief, or thieves?

Joe, I was talking about the annular cushions for you to sit on. Although, one of those custard-filled, chocolate-covered numbers would be more than a tad sweet!

BOTH MEN ARE SHOWN SHAKING THEIR HEADS "YES".

We went down to the third floor to talk to the men who specialize in Port-a-Potty theft.

FRIDAY AND GANNON ARE SEATED, SURROUNDED BY STANDING DETECTIVES.

BILL GOT TO ASK THEM THE FIRST QUESTION.

Do the people who steal these things want them for their own personal use, like in their back yards, or do they intend to sell them, after they clean them, of course?

We presume they clean then up and try to sell them.

Who do they, OWWWCH!, typically sell them to?

(Detectives looking askew at Friday)

Typically, the same people from whom they were stolen.

Whaaaaat?

Yeah. They are rentals in the first place, so the renter is on the hook for them. They ain't cheap either! So they need'em back, pronto.

(softening on the "I-don't-need-any-relief-right-now!" POV)

Excuse me. OWCH! Do any of you guys have a donut for me, right now?

FRIDAY BEGINS TO SQUIRM A LITTLE, TRYING TO GET MORE COMFORTABLE.

(whispering to all)

Not the creme-filled, sweet kind. The soft cushion type.

Rhoids.

You know.

ALL OF THE THIRD-FLOOR DETECTIVES LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHAKING THEIR HEADS "NO".

(seeing he must continue)

Fellas, getting back to the reason we came down here, do we have any concrete leads on the thief, or thieves?

It has to be the guy we already have in custody.

How so?

We caught him in action.

You mean stealing it, not using it, right?

(looking at detectives, shaking his head in embarassment)

Right, Mr. Gannon.

So, if you already have the guy, then why are we here?

(squirming in his seat)

Yeah. OWWWWCH!

Y'all must have old files up there on the fifth floor.

FRIDAY AND GANNON SHAKING THEIR HEADS "NO".

Sorry to have wasted your time, men.

(to detectives)

Still no donut, right?

Sorry.

FRIDAY AND GANNON GET UP TO LEAVE.

Come on, Joe. Let's go see if we can find you a crock of generic Preparation H.

Always wanting to save a dime.

Yeah.

OWWW! Man, it hurts when I walk!

GANNON SHAKING HIS HEAD "NO".