A VISITING FATHER AND DAUGHTER HAVE SOUGHT OUT THE BRAINS OF DODGE CITY TO MATCH INTELLIGENCE WITH. THEY ENTER THE LONG BRANCH SALOON.

HENRY SCHMIDT, PRE-MENSA MEMBER FOR 20 YEARS, STEPS UP TO THE BAR AND ADDRESSES SAM.

I say, my good man, who is the smartest person in this town?

Well, I guess I'd have to say old Doc Adams is. They don't come much smarter than him!

Yes, well, we'll see.

SAM GIVES A "WHAT?" EXPRESSION.

Where could I find this Doc Adams?

(pointing to the other side of the saloon area)

He's right over at that table with Miss Kitty. She owns this place.

Thank you, kind sir.

HENRY AND HIS DAUGHTER, MARY, WALK TO THE TABLE SAM POINTED OUT.

(interjecting himself abruptly)

Excuse me, sir. The man behind the bar said you were the smartest man in this town. Is this correct?

Well, I don't know about that but I can set a broken arm faster than you can say "radius and ulna"!

MISS KITTY YUKS IT UP FOR A SOLID MINUTE AT DOC'S HUMOR.

HENRY BECOMES BORED.

Yes, well, that is all well and good. But, you see, my daughter and I make it a practice to find the smartest man in each town we visit and challenge him and whomever he choses to a mental contest, with the loser buying drinks for everyone present.

Is this something you think you can participate in?

What in tarnation are you talking about?

I am talking about you and whomever matching wits with my daughter here and me. A mental contest. To see who is actually smarter.

Go ahead, Doc. Show them you are as smart as they come.

What about it, Mr. Adams?

That's Doc.

Ok, Doc. What about it?

I can chose anyone to be my partner?

Certainly.

(already being a wise guy)

Ok, then I chose you.

Anyone, that is, except members of my team - my daughter and I.

Well, then, I chose Miss Kitty here. She's got a brain in her head, too!

We'll see.

MISS KITTY LOOKS INSULTED.

To play this game, we need a blackboard or a piece of paper and a pen. And, we need an unbiased individual to keep score.

I reckon Sam could do that.

(Doc shouts over to Sam)

HEY SAM, CAN YOU COME OVER HERE FOR A MINUTE?

SAM STARTS TO WALK OVER TO DOC'S TABLE, BUT STUMBLES AND HITS HIS HEAD ON A CHAIR.

MISS KITTY AND DOC JUMP UP TO ATTEND TO SAM.

Sam, can you hear me?

(barely conscious)

Yeah, Doc. What happened?

You fell and banged your noggin on a chair.

(examining his forehead laceration)

And, it looks like you cut yourself pretty bad. I better go get my bag.

(anxious)

So, Doc, are we ready to start the contest?

DOC JUST STARES AT HENRY.

Where are his paper and pen?

(employing his anxious friend)

Here, you hold Sam's head while I go get my doctoring stuff.

DOC PUSHES SAM'S HEAD OVER TO HENRY, WHO HAS SQUATTED BESIDE SAM. DOC LEAVES.

(to Sam)

Excuse me sir, where are your score-keeping paraphernalia?

(moaning)

Huh?

(to Kitty)

Excuse me, M'am. When will the Dr. be back?

I'm guessing faster than you can say "radius and ulna"!

What's with the forearm bones being mentioned as some kind of speed gauge?

Oh, here he is now! See, I told you.

DOC HAS HIS BAG AND IS ATTENDING TO SAM'S CUT.

Will this take long?

It will take as long as it takes. Now, just be patient.

DOC FINISHES THE STITCHES IN SAM'S HEAD.

Ready now? How about Sam? Can he still keep score?

(moaning)

I think I can. Hand me the pen and paper, will you, Miss Kitty?

(passing Sam what he needs)

Here you go, Sam. What a trooper you are!

OK, let's get on with this contest, shall we? Here's how it works:

I have a fact book here with us. Thousands of random, facts. I swear I and my daughter have made no attempt to memorize this book's contents. Isn't that right, Mary?

Yes, father. Whatever you say.

DOC IS BEGINNING TO SHAKE HIS HEAD, CONCLUDING THIS WHOLE EXERCISE IS BOGUS.

Tell me again, Henry, why you two want to do this.

I thought I made it clear. We want to see if we are smarter than the smartest man in each town we pass through.

Couldn't the smartest person be a woman?

We have limited our participants to the gentlemen. Nothing against women. Thus, my daughter!

OK, OK, you have the book. Now what?

We let an independent person nearby pick a random number between 1 and 845. Those are the page numbers in the book. On the chosen page there are 20 facts. This same person then chooses a number between 1 and 20 and that is the fact we will be concerned with.

Concerned with?

Yes. For example, let's pick page 106, and fact 16 on page 106.

(looking that example up)

So, this fact is that donkeys are native to Guatemala. So, Sam, who is also the scorekeeper, would ask us or you the question: "What country are donkeys native to"? If the answer is given, Guatemala, it is correct and a point is earned. After we go through this 50 times, we will see whether you and Miss Kitty or my daughter and I have the higher combined score. The higher one wins. The losing team must buy drinks for everyone who is present.

(holding his head and still moaning)

Let's go already.

(to all Long Branch patrons)

I need someone here to give us a nummber from 1 to 845 and then a nummber from 1 to 20.

SOME CARD PLAYER YELLS, "106 AND 16".

(with a glint in his eye)

OK, "What country are donkeys native to"?

Hey. We already used those numbers. Pick other ones.

I say the answer is Guatemala.

That is correct, Doc. I will award Doc and Miss Kitty one point.

Foul! Foul! Common sense and your sense of sportsmanship would tell you that you can't do that.

Sportsmanship? What do I know about sporsmanship? I'm just a poor old country doctor!

MARY LEANS OVER TO HER FATHER.

Can they actually do that, father?

You never said we couldn't choose the same pair again.

(seeing it would be easier just to move on)

Ok, you win the first point. We all know that you came up lucky on that one. Now it's our turn.

(again, to all Long Branch patrons)

I need someone else here to give us a nummber from 1 to 845 and then a nummber from 1 to 20.

SOMEONE PIPES UP, "611 AND 4".

Thank you. Sam, open the book and pose the question.

OK, "How many animals were on Noah's ark?"

Too easy! There were 75401 animals on the ark.

That is incorrect. The answer is 74501. You reversed the digits 4 and 5, Henry. Sorry. And there is a footnote to this fact. It says here there was an odd number of animals because one of the monkeys chose to try to swim for 40 days rather than ride out the flood in a big, safe boat.

Father! How could you?! What a dope!

JUST THEN MATT DILLON ENTERS THE LONG BRANCH AND SEES THE CROWD THAT HAS GATHERED AROUND THE VISITORS.

What's going on here, Doc? Sam?

Hi, Marshal Dillon. These two strangers wandered in here and wanted to challenge our smartest person and a partner to some type of intelligence contest. Now, they're losing and I don't see how they can win because Doc stumbled into a loophole in their rules.

(to Henry)

That right, mister?

If I might say something. Yes, Doc and Kitty have unwittingly found out how to cheat me and my very beautiful and smart daughter and win this contest.

(coming close and cooing to Dillon)

Can't you make them stop bending the mean old rules in their favor? For me? I could stop by the jail later on to see you if you just get them to stop.

Stop by the jail for what?

Oh, well, whatever the big handsome marshal would want.

Whaaaaat?

Sam, what is our next question?

Doc, you still even want to play? Isn't it a foregone conclusion now that we will win, given the fact that we can continue to use the same two numbers, get a point each time, and render their score, at best, always at least one point lower?

You are right, Kitty. Good thinking.

(to Henry and Mary)

And you call yourselves intelligent. You've let an old country doctor and a nobody saloon owner/madam get the best of you!

Nobody saloon owner? I prefer just, "madam". Please!

Well ...

Looks like the drinks are on our visitors, everyone!

THE WHOLE SALOON ERUPTS INTO LOUD MERRIMENT.

Ah, folks, we just remembered someplace we need to be, like, yesterday! Honest!

HENRY CAN'T GET OUT OF THE SALOON QUICKLY ENOUGH.

(to the marshal)

Still want me to come by the jail and, shall we say, "clean up a little"?

OK. I go home about 8. Anytime after that the place is empty and it's all yours.

(looks rejected, toward Kitty)

Yeah! That's right!

Who won? Is the contest over?

MISS KITTY TURNS HER HEAD TOWARD SAM, ASSUMING HE IS STILL IN A NOGGIN FUNK.