THE CLEAVER CLAN ENJOYS A ROUTINE DINNER TOGETHER.

Well, Beaver. How did school go for you today?

Gee, Dad. Nothing happened.

JUNE GRINS AT WARD AFTER THEIR SON'S CUTE RESPONSE.

Oh, Ward, can't you think of a more specific question to ask?

Well, OK. Beaver, what was that good-looking teacher of yours wearing today?

(apalled)

Ward, what type of question was that?!

Gee, Dad. Seems you can't win.

(agreeing)

Yes, well, let's take things in a different direction, shall we?

(beat)

Wally, how did your basketball practice go?

Ah, it was OK. But there's a new guy in school who won't leave me alone.

What do you mean, "won't leave you alone"?

Oh Ward, don't you think you ought to pay this new bully boy a visit and show him the Cleavers won't take such insolence from any uppity kid?

Now, June, let's give the boy a few days to get over this whole bully attitude. If it doesn't resolve itself soon, I will dust off my brass knuckles, so to speak, and slide on over to visit him.

(chuckling)

I don't know, Dad. This guy is mean. He's about 30 and he said he was going to get me tossed off the team and then he was going to toss me over a cliff.

JUNE EXPRESSES HER FEAR BY STARTING TO CRY.

But, Wally. Why? Why is this boy saying these things to you? And, he's 30 years old?

30. Maybe 31. Failed a lot, I guess. This guy says he wants to replace Lumpy as the school goon. What does that even mean?

Well, I guess he is saying Lumpy has been the defacto King Bully before now, but heretofore he will handle those duties.

Well, I know Lumpy has gotten wind of this and he says he's going to kill this guy.

Whaaaaat? What in the world has the school system turned into?

JUNE STOPS SOBBING MOMENTARILY.

Oh, Ward! If you can stop thinking about Beaver's teacher's attire for a few minutes, I think you ought to go see Lumpy Rutherford to get to the bottom of this thing.

Well, that's exactly what I am going to do.

WARD GATHERS HIS JACKET AND HIS HANDGUN AND HASTILY LEAVES THE HOUSE.

WARD KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.

LUMPY REACHES THE INTERIOR SIDE OF THE DOOR.

Who is it?

It's Mr. Cleaver. I want to talk about the school bully situation.

What about it?

Clarance. Please open the door.

How do I know you aren't Tony?

Tony? Who's Tony?

The new bully guy. The guy who said he was going to run over Wally.

Run over? I thought he had only threatened to toss him off a cliff.

Well, maybe it was Eddie who he said he was going to run over. I forgot.

(beat)

Anyway, I don't have one of those door peep holes so I cannot trust you are not Tony.

Lumpy, if I was Tony, would I know about the Wally threat? Would I?

Well, if you were the one who had made the threat, you would!

Oh yeah. Right. Well, I am Ward Cleaver! And, I demand you open up.

Nothing doing! Listen, I have a rubbing-out to plan. I can't be bothered with the minor verbal threats to Wally.

Well, Lumpy, I myself have a little heat in my right hand now and I will blow the door handle off if you don't open the door.

Hey, Mr. Cleaver, or Tony, I have to go to the bathroom. Can you wait a few minutes?

WARD WAITS ANXIOUSLY FOR A LONG TIME.

FRED RUTHERFORD AND HIS WIFE DRIVE UP, GET OUT OF THEIR CAR AND WALK UP TO THEIR FRONT DOOR ONLY TO ENCOUNTER A SITTING WARD CLEAVER.

Ward, old man, why are you over here at this time of night?

Well, Fred, I am waiting for your son to go to the bathroom.

Whaaaaatt!

(beat)

Yeah! That's right!