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Thursday June 13, 2024


MORNING
9AM THE FISHING GAME - Sports, 30 min.
Bobby Simpkins bets against the house that he will succeed then goes out and actually catches a dozen or so "daddy" eels and cooks the heck out of 'em for dinner as an "in-your-face" gesture to wagering management.

AFTERNOON
5PM THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW - Comedy, 30 min.
Andy gets a wire from an old friend who is stuck in the Solomon Islands, flat busted and in need of, presumably, boat fare back to the states.

THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW

"Old Friend Kate"

 

FADE IN: INT. JAILHOUSE

BARNEY

So she is totally broke? Zero funds?

ANDY

Barney, I think that's what "flat busted" means, don't you?

BARNEY

Well, unless Kate has had some surgeries we don't know about, I agree that she would have to assume we know she is "flat busted" and then she is actually telling us she needs money.

ANDY

I b'lieve that's what I had just said.

(beat)

Now, I have to decide whether I want to help her out or not.

BARNEY
(looking at Andy from the corner of his eyes)

Well, don't look at me. I am about broke myself, especially after I had to repay the North Carolina Lawman Pension Fund for the withdrawal of a large part of my money last year for that trap door I tried to install in my room.

ANDY

Oh yeah. I had forgotten about that.

(beat)

How much did that adventure cost you?

BARNEY

About 3 thousand plus a grand in penalty payments.

ANDY

Ouch! Man, did you mess up!

BARNEY

OK, it was a bad move. But it's behind me now. Can we just move on to the Kate deal?

ANDY

Where are the Solomon Islands, anyway?

BARNEY

Aren't they at the mouth of the Tar River?

ANDY

In North Carolina?

BARNEY

Well, I don't know.

JUST THEN OPIE OPENS THE JAILHOUSE DOOR, AS HE IS ON THE WAY HOME FROM SCHOOL.

ANDY

Oh, hi Ope.

(beat)

Say, Ope... you've probably studied about this... Where are the Solomon Islands?

OPIE

Gee, I think they are way over by Australia. Yeah, a hair east of New Guinea.

ANDY

Wow! Way over there!

BARNEY

How could Kate have even gotten there? She has no business being way out there!

ANDY

Barney, it hasn't been but 40 years since we've seen her. Anything could have happened.

OPIE

Who is Kate, Pa?

BARNEY

Oh, she's just an old friend of your Pa's. Well, mine too.

ANDY

Yours? I didn't even know you knew her, Barn.

BARNEY

Well, I did.

ANDY

Really?!

BARNEY
(to Andy)

This is not the subject here, is it Andy? Don't you have to decide if you are going to send her some money?

OPIE

Money? Are you paying off women, Pa?

BARNEY

Opie, -

ANDY

Opie, Kate is someone I used to know.

BARNEY

We both did!

ANDY

Barney knew her too, apparently. Anyway, she is a long way away and is in need of a way to get back home.

BARNEY

Did the wire actually say she wanted to come back here, or that she just needed some dough?

ANDY REREADS THE WIRE TO HIMSELF.

ANDY

Well, no, it just says she needs money.

BARNEY

Oh, well, then I believe your way forward is clear. If she wants money for just any old thing, which could include gambling or the like, I say don't send her a dime.

ANDY

Well, what if she is being held in some type of hostage situation and her life is in jeopardy?

BARNEY

Then, in that case, you should probably wire her back and see what repayment terms she could handle.

ANDY

You mean charge her the standard interest? Good idea.

BARNEY

Unless you want every Tom, Dick and Harry in Mayberry knowing you offer interest-free loans!

OPIE CAN BE PATIENT NO LONGER.

OPIE

Pa, I need $20 for a fancy notebook for history class. Can you let me just have the money or will I also have to pay you a usury fee?

ANDY

Usual usary fee. Hey, that's somewhat alliterative.

OPIE

What is?

 

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The material published herein is intended to be satire, parody and/or just preposterously ridiculous. The resemblance between any fictitious and real person, place or thing without satirical intent is purely coincidental.