JOHN SIMMS, P.I. OF THE MARS PHOTO-ANOMALY PROJECT (MPAP), PREPARES TO REVIEW WITH COLLEAGUES INPUT REQUESTED FROM PUBLIC VIEWING OF THE AS-YET-TO-BE-UNDERSTOOD IMAGES FROM THE RECENT MARS FLY-BY OF THE SISYPHUS SPACECRAFT.

Hello ladies and gentlemen. Before each of you here is a group of phots and forms submitted by the public. The photos are numbered 1 to 5. The forms give their opinions of what the objects are in the respective photos. As you know, our experts have as yet been unable to identify the objects in these photos. However, we have determined that they are real and not the artifacts of the image processing. We -

Ah, excuse me, Dr. Simms. How do you know that?

I beg your pardon ... , what did you say? Who is speaking?

(standing up)

Me, sir. Tom Buford.

(annoyed)

Well, Mr. Tom Buford, as you call yourself, if you will please take a seat, you may find out the answer to your rudely posed question.

As I call myself? You didn't even let me finish the question!

(motions to Buford to sit)

Now, as I was saying, the objects in the images are real. Today we will review the ideas from the public on what they might be.

SIMMS PUTS UP A SLIDE SHOWING MARS IMAGE #1

Now, in this image #1, there is a crater-filled landscape. This image is taken using a 800mm lens at F6.7, so it's a little blurry.

A little blurry?! Thirty billion hogs to finance this mission and this is what we get?!

(ignoring Buford)

You can see that in the image there seem to be several humanoid figures standing up near some shaft-like structures.

(laughing a little)

Heaven only knows what these objects really are.

(more seriously)

We will go around the room and listen to each of you present the next submitted object identification.

SIMMS SEEMS TO WANT TO START WITH THE SCIENTIST TO HIS RIGHT.

Well, if you can identify yourself and begin your explanation ...

MS. MARY WENTZ STANDS AND BEGINS TO SPEAK.

Hello, I am Dr. Mary Wentz, senior scientist at The Organization for Rudimentary Extraterrestrial Life. I see that the form I have is empty for the first person's notion, so I will skip to person #2. It shows here that a Randy Winston, of Tarborro, NC seems to think the image shows a small-time car racing pit crew milling around. As there is no human life or automobiles on Mars, I will yield the floor to my colleague.

THE NEXT EXPERT, MR. HARRY WILSON, STANDS AND BEGINS TO SPEAK.

Good day. I am Dr. Harry Wilson, research scientist at Q-TEP. My first bit of public input indicates that Mr. Carl Batts, of Grand Mal, MO, believes the image is one that has been generated by forces beyond our Earthly control and -

See!? I told you.

As I was saying, Mr Batts believes the image has been affected by the little known Auroura Finklestein, causing ghostly, mostly vertical images, resembling a highway department crew standing about, as they normally do, to appear in triplicate.

(removing glasses)

Let me just say that, with Mr Batts' thinly-veiled opinon of highway department workers notwithstanding, I find the comment on Earthly manual labor fascinating. But, I give Mr Batts an F for his image analysis skills.

ALL IN THE ROOM YUK IT UP.

Please. Please ladies and gentlemen, can we get serious?