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Tuesday July 9, 2024


MORNING
10AM BOB: SNAKEBITE KING - Kids, 1 hr.
Bob McQueen discusses with second-grade students the most recent breakthroughs in treating bites from the most poisonous types of snakes. Little Johnny poses a conundrum that shuts McQueen down: If two species of poisonous snakes were in a snake-off, and could each inject the other, at the same time, with their respective venom, which one dies first?

AFTERNOON
2PM LASSIE - Family, 30 min.
Lassie is besieged with fleas. Again. Timmie wants an explanation.

EVENING
10PM GUNSMOKE - Western, 1 hr.
Dillon realizes his quick-draw prowess is fading and hopes to step up his capabilities.

GUNSMOKE

"Draw, You Fool!"

 

INT JAILHOUSE - DAY

MATT AND CHESTER ARE QUIETLY SITTING IN THE JAILHOUSE.

CHESTER

You know, Mr. Dillon, that feller who robbed the stage the other day - you know, the one you got locked up back there? - he's got a terrible habbit of talking in his sleep.

MATT
(almost asleep himself)

Eh... uh... that right?

CHESTER

The other morning, before it got light, I walked back there to empty his pot and heard him saying things about the other gang members.

MATT
(with curiosity peaked)

Gang members?

CHESTER

Yeah. How they was going to come and try to bust him out of this jail.

MATT

Chester? Do you believe everything you hear? He was asleep! He didn't know what he was saying.

CHESTER

Well, it sounded like he was telling a secret or something. He even said that his buddies have been studying your pistol-drawing speed and have determined that you are getting slower and slower. And that they figure any one of them could out-draw you now.

MATT

Well, I don't know about that.

CHESTER

Well, Mr. Dillon, don't you suppose that it could be true that your reflexes could be slowing down a tad?

MATT

Well, Chester, I suppose they could. But, don't you think I am still the fastest draw around these parts.

CHESTER

I hope so.

But, why don't we just set up some experiment to get an average timing on your draw.

MATT

And, how can we do that?

CHESTER

Well, I think we could get several men to start counting when they see your hand move and then stop counting when you shoot. Then we take the average of their totals to get a reference value.

MATT

But how are we going to get a time for, oh, say the guy back in the cell who might be the one drawing against me?

CHESTER

Well, ...

(thinking)

... we could get him out of the cell and take him over to Doc's, making him think we need to make sure our prisoner is healthy. We set up some reflex test for him that is similar to drawing a pistol.

MATT

Like what?

CHESTER

How about ... OK, how about pulling something out of his pocket?

MATT

Maybe.

CHESTER

Then we have the same several men to peep in Doc's window while he is doing that pocket test and they could count, like they did for you.

MATT

I don't know, Chester. This all seems pretty lame. I'm not sure that type of bogus plan ought to be associated with a high class lawman like me.

CHESTER

Hey, I'm just trying to put some meat in the argument that you are still a fast draw. If you -

MATT

Listen, Chester. I appreciate you trying to keep my quick-draw fame alive and well, but I think I will, when the time comes, just go out there and do my thing and see how it goes. I will proabably still win.

CHESTER

Let me guess. If you do survive, then worry about building back up your capability?

MATT
(lost in thought)

And, anyway, it just might be that the guy back in the cell could have an unfortunate accident tonight.

I think I saw a rattler nest out back a little while ago. Could be one of them will slither through that big cell crack. You never know.

CHESTER

What big cell crack?

MATT

The one I'm getting ready to make.

CHESTER

Why, Mr. Dillon! You think of everything!

MATT

But, Chester, let's keep the upcoming snake accident kind of quiet for a while.

 

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The material published herein is intended to be satire, parody and/or just preposterously ridiculous. The resemblance between any fictitious and real person, place or thing without satirical intent is purely coincidental.