THE CARTWRIGHT CLAN IS BUSY EATING THEIR DINNER.

(seeing everybody enjoying their steak and potatoes)

Well, fellas. Anything exciting happen around here today while I was in town checking on the ... ranch investments?

HOSS PERKS UP AT THE MENTION OF THE SUBJECT OF PONDEROSA MONEY.

The answer is, YES!

Now, anybody care to enlighten me on exactly where the Ponderosa's money is?

(hollering)

HOSS?

Ah, no, Pa. I don't know where the money that used to be in the Wells Fargo Investment Bond fund is now.

(cuts eyes up to father)

(with his mouth wide open, aghast)

Whaaat? So it was you who drained the money out! Why you overgrown ...

Listen, Pa. You gotta understand that the invention Big Bob Smith's foreman showed me was a "can't miss opportunity".

That missed!

Well, only because we didn't have enough seed money to do the right advertising.

Hoss, do you know that now the Ponderosa is on the verge of going belly-up?

HOSS JUST STARES AT HIS FATHER.

Yeah! ... All this we worked for is about to be gone!

Because of you! And your stupid, get rich quick ideas!

But, doesn't the ranch have other money stashed away in other places?

No! None!

I knew Hoss shouldn't have taken the money, Pa.

Then why didn't you stop him?

In case you haven't noticed, he out-weighs me by a considerable amount.

Ah, Little Joe is a tad more culpable here than he would have you believe.

Oh?

Yeah. He was the one who suggested we "borrow" the Ponderosa account paperwork to change the maturity dates and the APR integration slopes to help in the loss statement on our taxes.

Say what?

Pa, the Ponderosa investments were not netting to a substantial degree. Things were heading south anyway. We just preempted the inevidable.

You stole the money.

We needed a loss to push an increase in the year-end statement basis.

You stole the money.

HOP SING HAS BEEN STANDING SILENTLY ON THE PERIMETER, LISTENING.

That right. Ranch broke! How, Hop Sing get paid?

Well, never mind that!

I need to know more about the invention you threw my money at.

Pa, that ain't gonna do no good. The gold sifter thing didn't even work that well.

What do you mean, "not that well"? It did work?

Well, yeah. But it requires mucho back-breaking bending over while standing in a wet stream with snakes and leeches and who knows what other critters.

Well, Hoss most streams are wet! And filled with creatures. Duh!

Well, I only ever sifted out about a half an pound of gold flakes.

Half a pound?! That sounds like a lot! How much money does that equal?

Oh, maybe two hundred dollars.

And, where are these gold sifters now? I mean the ones you didn't sell.

We only sold three. The rest are out behind the barn.

Go get them, put them in our wagon and let's go down to the big stream and get going!

HOSS GOES OUT TO THE BARN AND RETURNS WITH ABOUT 40 SIFTERS. THEY LOAD THE WAGON AND, RELUCTANTLY, THE THREE CARTWRIGHT MEN AND HOP SING HEAD DOWN TO THE STREAM.

HOURS PASS. HOSS, LITTLE JOE, HOP SING AND BEN HAVE ALL COME UP EMPTY, SAVE ONE COTTONMOUTH SIGHTING.

Hop Sing need get back to kitchen. Think need get egg roll ready.

(did he hear what he thinks he heard?, thinking:)

Egg roll?

THE MEN LABOR LONG, GROANING AND SPLASHING.

Man, I'm tired. My back is killing me!

Me too. Let's go back home! This gold screening action is nowhere! And, I got my new boots soaked, too!

Ah, boys? Who lost all of, essentially, my money?

You two clowns!

And, who will be screening for gold until my money is back in the investment account?

Right again! You two clowns!

(resigned)

Well, I don't know about y'all, but I gotta take a leak.

No need to leave the stream to do that, Hoss. You're all wet anyway. Kill two birds with one stone and keep on screening.

But first let me move upstream of you. I don't need any yellowish-sand false positives.