Mary, you want to skip the next speaker and head on over to the bar?

Mr, Grant, we came to hear all of the latest TV producer ideas so I think we ought to listen to all of the speakers we can. Besides, you know I don't drink. I'm too wholesome.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Well, I'm outta here. I feel like I need a belt.

MARY RUNS HER EYES OVER LOU'S MIDSECTION.

Do you really think it will help? That's a pretty hefty gut you're trying to hide.

Huh? Oh, you thought I was talking about my paunch. No, no. I meant that I needed a drink!

Oh.

(Mary is looking around as she speaks)

Hey, Mr. Grant, isn't that Robert Redford over there?

(looking also)

Oh, that guy with the hat on?

No, the man with the poodle.

Yeah, it does kind of look like Redford.

And over there. Look, I'm sure that's Allen Ludden.

Who?

Allen Ludden. You know, the former host of Password. I think I heard he's into producing now.

Well, I don't know about Allen Ludden, but I definitely see Dick Van Dyke over there.

(Lou points)

Didn't you used to know him a while back or something?

Yeah, I used to be on another TV show with him. That show was much more creative than this one ever will be.

I tell you, that Morey Amsterdam, whose real name by the way, was Bernard Schwartz, was the funniest man there ever was.

Hey, wait a minute. His real name couldn't have been Bernard Schwartz, that was Tony Curtis' real name.

Oh, that's right. It wasn't Schwartz, it was Lipschitz. That's right, Lipschitz.

(smirkingly)

Hey, how would you like to be saddled with that moniker?!

(beat)

Hey, here comes Van Dyke. He's coming in this direction.

MARY WALKS TO VAN DYKE TO GREET HIM.

Hi Dick, how are you? How's the family?

Hi Laura! It's been a long time, how are you?

(to himself)

Laura?

Dick, you mean Mary. I'm Mary Richards.

Wait a minute, you're right, Laura was your name on our show. So it's Mary now? How about that!

Yeah, how about that. It's Mary, Mary Richards.

(shuffling his feet)

Ah, hem.

Oh, and Dick, this is my boss Lou. Lou, Dick.

VAN DYKE AND LOU SHAKE HANDS.

So, Van Dyke, Mary tells me you and she used to have this TV show or something.

That's right. It was a big hit. Carl Reiner was the producer of that one. You know Carl?

Ah, no, I can't say that I do.

Lou doesn't really know very many famous people. He's just a local TV news producer. You know.

Say no more. More ... Hmm, that word sounds familiar suddenly for some strange reason.

It ought to! It was my name before I changed it to Richards.

LOU WANDERS OFF TOWARD THE BAR.

Really? That's right! Now I remember. You used to be known as Morey Moore. How could I have forgotten?

No, Mary. Not Morey. Mary Tyler Moore. I think you're mixing me up with Morey Amsterdam.

Who?

Morey Amsterdam. He played Buddy Sorrel on the show? Remember?

Oh certainly. He was that short funny man who used to fix our teeth for a steep discount, right?

MARY IS BEGINNING TO LOOK AT DICK AS IF HE'S GOT A SCREW LOOSE.

I think that that was Jerry, our next door neighbor. You know, Millie and Jerry? Jerry was a producer also. Called himself Jerry Paris. Thought that sounded classy or something.

Didn't we used to have a kid? What was his name?

Richie. Richie was his name.

I thought you said that that was your last name.

I said my last name was Richards. Not Richie. It used to me Moore, but I changed it.

How much more?

What?

I said, how much more?

What are you talking about?

You said your name used to be more. I said, how much more?

Oh, no. I see. You think I said that my last name used to be more, when I really said Moore. I see.

(now thinks he's got it)

Oh, right. Not just Mary, but Mary Amsterdam. Right?

Dick, when was the last time you saw a therapist?

Hey, don't say that word too loudly. I've still got to make an impression on a few more people before I leave. You know, spread myself around and all that. How would it look for me to come up to someone and have to say, "Hello, I'm Dick Van Dyke, and I need to see my shrintherapist"?

LOU COMES BACK OVER, SAUCED.

Hey, you two will never guess who I saw over there.

(Lou points)

Who?

Rose Marie. And she's signing any piece of clothing you present to her. Look, I got my undershirt collar signed. Neat, huh?

Poor dear. Remember her, Dick?

Can't say as I do.