So, Mr. Stiles, I understand it is your opinion that rescuing cats up trees is a complete waste of your time?

Somethin' like that. It happens way too often.

But, you do go each time such a call comes in, right?

So far. But we're considering stopping. The cats should be able to climb down themselves. That's what cats do, you know.

(beat)

And those that cannot, well, they ought not influence the gene pool, if you get my drift.

Well, as cold-hearted as it may sound, I agree with you. Kind of hard to be available for house fires with the cat thing going on so often.

You got that right. Like the other night, Mrs. Burns' house was on fire. A grease fire started things, we think. She tried to quick-fry her husband's left over pop-tarts. So much cat chatter on the radios we nearly didn't even hear the alarm. Tom up an elm, Puffy stuck in a pine. I mean: Who cares?!

Mrs. Burns ?? Come on, chief! Honest?

Just a coincidence... When we did get to the house, it was too late. Her whole place was engulfed and ultimately it burned right on up. Nothin' we could do.

That brings me to this question. You can clear this up. Not about the Burns house - ha ha - but in general. When you say that their house burned up, is that more or less serious than if their house had burned down?

Huh?

You just said the house burned up, right?

Yeah, I think I did. Yeah. Up.

Well, why didn't you say it burned down?

Because that's not what happened. And, I'm partial to "up".

So, what is the difference between burining up and burning down?

(puzzled)

Son, what the crap are you talking about!?

Mr. Stiles, you really wouldn't want me to include that type language in my article, would you?

What language?

The "c" word.

What article?

The one I'm writing about the fire department. For the newspaper? ... I'm here to get the straight dope on the large fires. And the smaller fires. Well, ... all fires, and how they start. And how you guys put them out. Do you ever have to stamp fires out?

(just looks at Jeffries)

Are you for real?

Oh, I assure you, I'm for real. And I will get to the bottom of this, one way or the other.

Bottom of what??

The burining up or down issue.

I thought you were going to ask general questions about the fire department. Stuff like that.

If we cannot even get this basic question answered, then we may as well stop talking about legitimate issues involving your department and skip ahead to the hypothetical stuff.

Hypothetical stuff?

Yeah, that's when I describe a situation that could occur but hasn't -

I know what hypothetical means!

Then why did you ask me what "hypothetical stuff" meant?

Can we move on? Please?!

Well, I really don't have any more questions. Oh! Wait. I do have one more.

What is it?

(looks side to side quickly)

What?!

What's the question?!

Oh yeah. I was going to ask you about the spotted dog thing. What's that all about? How come many fire departments have one riding on their trucks. Good luck or something?

Ah, dalmations. Now we're talking. When that house burned down the other week, I had Spot right with me and -

Wait! You said "burned down!" "Down"!

No I didn't.

You most certainly did! I heard you.

Well, I'm fairly certain I didn't say that.

(getting ticked)

Are we finished?

We most certainly are. I don't like your demeanor!

I didn't tell you about Spot.

Spot?! Are all of those black and white spotted dogs named, "Spot"?

"All"? How would I know?

Hey, it was you who brought him up.

So I did. Indeed I did bring him, up. Not, down. Did you get that?!

I don't have to take this. You're not being very cooperative.

Close the door on your way out, will you?. Ah, and if I were you, I'd forget this whole thing about an article for your paper. It would be a real shame to have a fire at your house that the guys responded to a little late.

Whaaaaat?!