I have enrolled in this intense 3-day class to find out the secrets of car salesmanship from one of the masters. It's the first day and the professor, one Ernie Camacho, a veteran salesman whose reputation as one who possesses one of the most irresistible collection of come ons and slick phrasing, has just walked in. Here we go.

CAMACHO QUICKLY COORDINATES THE CLASS ROSTER WITH THE SEATING ARRANGEMENT.

Okay, ah, ah, Johnson. What's the number one mistake that a salesperson can make when first meeting a customer?

Ah, I guess it would be not introducing himself?

Wrong! Anyone else think they know? How about you, Simpkins?

How about, ah, maybe not offering his card right away.

Wrong, but you're getting close. The first - the very first - thing you do when you approach a potential customer is to say, "Can we put you in this one today". That's it. Short, sweet. Yes, it's presumptuous. Yes, it's a little redneckish. And, yes, it's actually laughable. But it's what the public expects!

A MILD SWELL OF LAUGHTER RISES AMONG THE CLASS MEMBERS.

You are a special breed. Only the bottom feeding lawyers are thought of in a less favorable light. So say the polls. We must always strive to live up, or should I say down, to that reputation!

ANOTHER MILD SWELL OF LAUGHTER ERUPTS.

So, you lay the line I mentioned on the customer. What do you expect them to do? Ah, Thomas?

I expect them to say that they are not sure that they want the particular car I have seen them admiring. They might say that they are just looking, or something.

And you then say what?

Ah, ah, I, ah, I don't know.

CAMACHO IS GETTING DISGUSTED ALREADY.

Look people. If you don't know this basic crap, there's no way I can teach you the more advanced stuff! Is there anyone here who can answer the question?

THE WHOLE CLASS IS QUICKLY BECOMING VERY INTIMIDATED.

Anyone? Yes, Mr. Pitts.

I would completely disregard their answer and, if, say, the car was a new Chrysler sedan, I'd say something like, "Did you notice the 'cab forward' design". Some completely meaningless feature like that which Chrysler touts would get me into their head. They'll be saying one of two things at this point. Either they'll be thinking that I am one of the biggest turkeys they have run into, or, and I happen to subscribe to this theory, they will be wondering what that stupid 'cab forward' nonsense realy is, and begin asking questions.

Great, Pitts. It sounds like you have been there, done that.

Sure have. Many times.

CAMACHO ALREADY FEELS A STRONG KINSHIP WITH THIS WHITE-BELTED FELLOW PROFESSIONAL.

Mr. Pitts, while you're warmed up, why don't you go into the next part of the sales pitch in the context of your hypothetical Chrysler product?

Well, Professor Camacho, I think that in that case I would probably try to lower the boom immediately. I'd hit this customer, assuming it is a man, with phrases like "dual bags", "leather trim", and "tuned suspension". They all eat those up. Especially the men!

PITTS LAUGHS AND SCANS THE CLASS FOR OTHERS WHO AGREE.

If he hasn't begged me for the contract by that point I pull out all of the stops. I tell him that I have other customers ready to move on the car should he decide to hesitate. Of course, I have one of these other customers - one of my service department buddies - beginning to pace aimlessly around the car in question. I glance over at the shill while I am telling the customer about the roadside assistance package that we offer. That's it. If the car isn't sold in the next few minutes, I feign a long distance call and leave the loser on his own.

CAMACHO IS WIPING AWAY TEARS.

That was beautiful. Let's take five.

Boy, is there any wonder that normal people like you and I get hooked so easily when we even go near a car lot!? Next week, we'll have another interesting investigative report. This is Mike Green.