Hey, Lt. Dan. Your recent marital troubles are like a box of Russell Stover chocolates. Wanna know why?

No, Gump, I don't. But I do want to know why a specific brand of candy is now being referred to. Russell Stover? Why?

Well, Lt. Dan, I got to thinking about things. You've managed to hijack my rights to our shrimp dip, the frozen shrimp kabobs, the other type of shrimp-on-a-stick and the Shrimp de' Dan. I said to myself, "Self, why don't I enter into an agreement to throw sponsored witty remarks here and there?"

And what did yourself say?

Well, Lt. Dan, I somehow convinced the Russell Stover guys to side with me on this. And not only them but the Ajax guys, the Mr. Clean guys, some chicken company and the Bazooka Bubble Gum guys. So, from now on you'll be hearing lots of new stuff coming from my brain.

Oh yeah, like what? And won't both the shrimp and chicken products with your likeness or other form of marketing association be somewhat conflicting from the customers' perspective?

Well, Lt. Dan, I'd have to think on it a while. I'm not a smart man.

(underbreath)

You got that right.

But if you have to know now, I guess I would say that an example of what I'm going to say is something like this, "You know, Lt. Dan, an old shrimp boat is a lot like a month-old pack of chicken. It don't matter how much you stuff you put on it, it's still a deceased member of the animal kingdom underneath!"

Something like that.

Goodbye endorsements. Hello legal troubles.