BAILEY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AT THE RUCKER FIRE DEPT BUILDING.

MRS. FLEET, THE RECEPTIONIST ANSWERS THE DOOR.

Hello. I was trying to see if I could talk to the proprietor.

That'd be Mr. Rucker. He'll be back in a few minutes. He had to go settle an account at that smoldering pile that was the former Jones home out on Rte. 3.

Can I wait?

I guess so. Please have a seat.

MANY MINUTES PASS AND BAILEY IS GETTING IMPATIENT.

Ah, excuse me. Have you heard from Mr. Rucker?

(sarchastically)

Have you heard the phone ring?!

Excuse me?

I said, I'm sure he's almost back. Ah! There he is now.

FLEET POINTS TO A TRUCK PULLING UP OUTSIDE.

Yep. That's him.

MR. RUCKER, A PORTLY MAN IN HIS 50'S OPENS THE OFFICE DOOR.

Mr. Rucker, this man has come to see you.

(beat)

Did you get the message about your robe at the cleaners?

(to Mrs. Fleet)

Yeah, thanks.

(back to Bailey)

Oh. Are you from Sampson or Mountain View? We're not doing anything illegal. I can't help it if all of the volunteer fire department guys quit on y'all.

No sir. I just moved here but I did hear that things worked differently here in Knudsen so I came to see what it's all about.

Well, in that case, come on into my office.

THE TWO MEN ENTER RUCKER'S PALACIAL OFFICE.

This is some place you got here. Mighty nice.

Thanks. It's comfortable.

BAILEY HAS NOTICED ONE OF THE SEVERAL STUFFED DOGS SITTING ON THE FLOOR.

Is that a stuffed dalmation?

Yeah. Spots #4. Pitiful situation. He used to work with us. A real crowd-pleaser, he was. Got electrocuted relieving himself on a live downed power line the other week. Roasted his pecker, but good. He didn't last too long after that. I really don't like to talk about it.

(pausing to reflect and shudder at the thought of the incident)

Now, what can I do for you?

THE PHONE RINGS.

Please excuse me for a moment.

(to caller)

Hello? Yes. Oh, hi Bob. What? They want to up the rent? ... You tell that zero that he better not ever have an unexpected grease fire and/or a hostage situation. See what he says about that!

RUCKER HANGS UP EMPHATICALLY.

Now. What can I do for you?

You say Spots was electrocuted?

Yeah.

Too bad. Now, is it true that you own the fire department in this town?

What do you mean? I rented a building and some uniforms and offered to pay the former town firefighters more than they were getting elsewhere. Nearby towns' guys also. Voila! A fire department! I guess I own the police department too then, by the by.

But it seems that that type of function is usually handled by a city or county or other municipality. What's going on there in Knudsen to have allowed this?

I'll tell you what is going on. A big fat recession. Don't tell me you didn't know that!

But how did that translate to you into a mandate to switch over to privately owned fire department?

Look, the citizens were fed up paying taxes to support police and fire protection when most of them never needed it. I could sense the wind shift and smell the odor of a sweet opportunity! Now, payments are only made for actual services rendered. The more that is paid, the more services are rendered, of course. Simple.

But, does that mean that, for example, if I am being burglarized and I call your police department, you negotiate price before some comes out to my house?

Well, not exactly. In your example, if you called and said someone was breaking in to your house, we'd tell you the normal charge for a normal response-time unit to come over. If you agreed to pay we'd get your card number then send someone over. As we always will offer an expedited service also, for an increase in cost, of course, you may want to know more about what that covers. If so, we explain and -

While the burglary is ongoing?

Can I finish please?

(beat)

If you want to know more about what the higher fee might bring to the service we provide, we explain that. But, all of that could have been determined ahead of time when we send out our "pre-need" survey.

Your "pre-need" survey?

Yeah. And you may be interested in this. Here's the way it works. We mail out a survey asking questions about your family, house, stuff like that. We also present a list of hypothetical situations and ask what type service you'd like in each case. For example, we'd lay out a whole set of, sticking with our example, burglary situations. We'd give you the chance there to indicate that if the burglary is between the hours of 6PM and midnight, we should come with two men and a dog, or one man and two dogs, etc, etc. You get the idea?

So, when a real burglary occurs and someone calls, all you really have to do is say to come.

You got it.

So, can I get some samples of what this type of protection might cost?

Sure. You present the scenario and I will tell you what the options are.

Ok. Suppose some part of my house is on fire. Also, suppose it's 7:30 in the morning. What are the options and what do they cost?

Ok, we could respond with one guy, a 10-gallon can of water, driving his own car obeying all of the traffic signals. That's $50. Same thing with the driver going through red lights but with you assuming the cost of any traffic citations that he may get from my police department, of course. $75. Same as the last plan with a 20-gallon can of water, $90. The next level of service starts the basic coverage of the last level but with two guys responding in a company pickup with a dalmatian, a 50-gallon tank of water and a hand pump. That's the one that Spot #4 became a casualty on, by the way. $200. Same as the previous degree of service but with a faster truck and a spayed dalmatian, $250. It just goes on and on from there until you get to the highest level.

What does the dog being spayed have to do with putting out a fire?

You'd be surprised.

Ok, ok. So, what does the highest level of service include?

At the highest level we bring our newest 1-ton duelly pulling a water tank trailer - 500 gallons - and an electric pump and then, after 10 minutes, we call the real fire department. $1000. Not many folks buy this level of protection. And, by the way, you're only allowed 1.45 fires per year with this level of coverage. Statistics, you know.

I can see why! Why wouldn't I call the real fire department in the first place, then?

Most likely because we would have already hired all their guys and they'd have nobody but the dispatcher left to respond with. How about that business plan?!

Sounds to me like you are ill-equipped to handle a real large fire. Where are the hook and ladders? Don't you need them for some fires?

Well, we haven't yet. We don't deal with real large fires anyway.

Someone has to!

Well, it won't be us.

This whole thing sounds a lot like a not-so-veiled form of extortion to me.

Well, that's your opinion.

How many people have signed up for this service?

They all have.

What?!

Sure.

I'd check that fact a second time. Can't be.

Is! You've got to remember. My cops can issue summonses to those not "cooperating". And it would be a shame to have to have the full weight of that mean old completely legitimate judge Rucker come down on you, now wouldn't it?

Well, looks like you've got this town in your hip pocket.

And the irony is, in court I'm usually wearing my brand new Armani District Court Judge robe that doesn't even have any hip pockets!