PAISLEY ENTERS DOC'S WORLD O' SERVICE ANIMALS. DOC HAMMOND, THE OWNER HIMSELF, APPROACHES PAISLEY.

Hi there. Can I interest you in a seeing-eye dog today? We have the latest breed of service dog - the dachshund - on sale today.

Hi. Well, I am interested in your service animals. I want to get two for my grandparents. As a surprise. You know.

Certainly. What handicaps we talking about here? Blind? Crippled? What?

Grampa's a gimp. Gramma's got some eye thing happening. She says she can't "see straight", but I'm not sure what that means. So, I'm just seeing what you have here and how much they cost.

Well, gimmpiness, itself, is not grounds for needing a service animal. How badly does he limp?

Pretty bad. It's like he is walking with one shoe off or something. And a shoe with a thick sole too.

I see. How 'bout gramma. She bad off enough to need a dog? Does she go out much alone? You know Medicare won't pay for these animals, right?

To tell you truth, I made a big score last week and I think I can pay out of pocket for one or two of them. Well, I guess it all depends on how much they cost.

You a dealer? Selling 'jelly beans'?

What!?

Never mind. Here's a guestimate. Probably a minimum of 3 grand for a dog, 5 to 9 grand for a primate and about 20 G's for a marsupial - possums and the like. We have had miniature horses from time to time but we're fresh out now. They run about 10 thou'.

Possums?! I never heard of a seeing-eye possum. That's ridiculous!

Yeah. Granted, they're not common, but they are good. Especially at night.

For 20 grand? Who in their right mind would buy a trained animal with a 2-year life span, no matter what it does?!

I sold one last week. To a guy from Columbus.

As for the primates you have, what animals do you carry and what can they do?

We got chimps, of course, and capuchins and, once in a while, a macaque. The chimps are the cheapest and the hardest to control. Not recommended for the completely immobile - quadriplegics and the like. The macaques make good pets and work monkeys. The -

Work monkeys? How much work could a little critter like that do?

I mean personal stuff. Combing a person's hair, brushing his teeth, etc, etc.

I thought you meant cutting the grass and stuff like that. I think that's what would make Grampa happy. He gets anxious when he can't get the yard mowed regularly. Maybe one of them chimps could do that. Huh?

A definite maybe. We sell harnesses for them that have 'Lectro-motion' controlers. Keeps the monkey in line, you know. I would say that the animal plus this effective harness could be a very sweet setup for your grandfather. Might become the envy of the neighborhood.

Seems like you're saying you sell these creatures as much for the physical, meanial jobs they could do as for the personal services they could perform.

Well, it's for sure one of those seeing-eye dogs ain't gonna cut your grass. Hard to do that walking on all fours.

I agree. But, listen. I'm still not hearing you say that one or the other animals would be what my gransparents would be happy with.

You're right. But I've saved the best for last.

Oh?

Yeah. Have you ever heard of a "personal manager"?

You mean, like the Albert King tune?

Huh?

You know, "I wanna be your personal manager, baby! I wanna do everything I can for you..."

Oh. Ah, no. The "personal manager" I was referring to is the 8-legged kind.

Eight legged?!

Just imagine this. Your service animal could comb hair, wash face, botton shirts and brush teeth - all at the same time! Yep ... a service cephalopod - an octopus!

Are you putting me on?

Absolutely not. Granted, you would have to keep it moist. But, if you can accommodate that need, this guy can do more than you can imagine.

How do you train an octopus?

Well, there are organizations that specialize in that. I don't know the particulars.

Aren't they real heavy? And don't they squirt ink?

Well, the ink thing can be turned to your advantage. I believe that if you do buy the animal - and they live upward of 80 years! - we'll throw in an ink-well filler funnel for free. You will never be unable to use you writing pen again! Cool, right?

Seems like a puny "gift" for taking on the whole sea creature responsibility. How would someone go around in a wheelchair with this huge blob of a thing?

Oh, this is strictly for the home-bound, and ideally, the water-bound.

Like an out-of-commission swimmer?

Good one! Maybe. So, have I told you enough? We could get your gransparents in here for a personal visit with a few prospective animals to see which ones best suit.

But, wouldn't an octopus be severely lacking in dexterity?

What it lacks in fingers it more than makes up with those sucker deals. You've surely seem them, right?

Well, an octopus? ... I don't know. Do you have a more conventional animal that I could take on consignment? Like over a weekend?

The only loaner animal would be Frisky.

And Frisky is a dog?

German Police.

Ah, the original seeing-eye type dog. Sounds like a Gramma pleaser.

Whatever. Frisky will need to be walked a lot. He's getting a little long in the tooth. And I do mean the singular, tooth. He's seen better days, but he is reliable in traffic. I think I only ever heard of one fatality he was involved with - the time he thought he saw a cat crossing I-95 and couldn't fight the primal urges. But that was years ago. I doubt he could even see a cat now. So, if you want to find out if your people take to a helper like Frisky, he's available for $250/day plus any harnesses you will need.

That's outrageous!

Take it or leave it. Beginning next week, I got internet business lined up for Frisky until next year, assuming he doesn't poop out on me completely. How 'bout it?

Internet? Sure!

No, really. Would I lie to you?