Hello, is this Roughie?

Mr. Roughie. Creek Roughie. I run the slickest amusement park ride sales brokerage this side of the Missisip. What can I do for you?

We're calling to ask about the ferris wheel you are selling. Can we talk about that with you?

You interested in buying?

We're more interested in getting the scoop on the why's and wherefore's on this unusual item you are selling.

You mean you might spread the word and get someone interested in buying my 'wheel?

Sure.

OK. Let's go. Fire away.

First, why is this item being sold?

An operator in California had it at his show for a few years and it eventually became too passe for the crowd out there. They were more into either straight freak shows or more edge-of-the-seat rides, like the Blue Rabbit or the Mama's Cookin' Bread - stuff like that.

Did you ever see it work?

Is the Pope catholic? Of course I have. Seen it in action many times. Even rode on it a few times. Before that accident, I mean.

Ho, whoa, wait a second here. Accident, you say? What happened?

Never mind. It was a long time ago.

Creek, I think a buyer has a right to know about the accident.

Creek? You will call me Mr. Roughie. Let's get that straight.

Good enough. Now what accident are you talking about?

Say the name ...

Roughie. Mr. Roughie. What accident?

Well, I accidentally got infested with chiggers one summer and it nearly drove me nuts.

I thought you meant an accident with the ferris wheel.

Well, you would be wrong. As far as I know their ain't been no accident with the equipment.

So, getting back to the ferris wheel itself, how fast does it go?

We like to say, it cycles fasterna scalded bobcat.

A little vague, wouldn't you say?

You ain't even close to being a Carnie, are you?

I guess not. How fast?

.7 radians per second, wide open, full of riders.

Wow!

Don't give me that. You don't have no idea even what a radian is, do you?

I know what a radian is. I wasn't born yesterday.

What is it then?

Please! Let's get back to the interview. How many riders can be accommodated?

You mean how many butts can we pack on before the weight limit is nearly exceeded?

No, I mean how many people can be on the ride?

I think it was 700.

700?! How many seats are on that thing?

350, I think.

Heavenly days! I had no idea!

I believe my ad said it is a World's Fair Model 88, Double Roller. That's the way those come.

Doesn't it take a long time to load and unload it? Don't the people get annoyed having to wait for the others to get on and off?

Yes, and I don't care.

Let's move on. Why did you pack it up? Don't you think people would want to see it before they plunk down 100 grand?

I got pictures. That ought to be enough.

And what is this about tossing in a roller coaster?

That's right. I picked that up for a steal. Turns out, there was no track so I sketched up some loops and sharp turns on some napkins so the buyer could build their own track, wherever they like.

Isn't the track and its means of support the most costly part of a coaster?

I don't know.

You are a broker and ought to know those answers.

Hey, yo' mama's a broker! Leave me alone. You heard enough yet?

I don't think you have helped your cause via this interview, Roughie.

Yo' mama's a cause!

Huh?

Yeah, that's right.

Have you had many offers?

For what?

For buying this ferris wheel, you moron?

Why you ... I oughtta ...

Now, if you had a freak show attraction for sale I might be paying you a visit.

Hey, I have an "in" with the Davis Show over in Nevada. They have a set of triplets with a total of 3 eyes between them. What if I had them? How much would that be worth to you?