CRF


	MORNING

8AM	THE COSBY SHOW - Comedy, 30 min. Theo gets on a begging kick. Cliff suggests he find an unoccupied location on the sidewalk to ply his new trade. When Theo gets run in for unlicensed soliciting his family uses the opportunity to convert his room to Cliff's new pet shampooing salon.

	AFTERNOON

1:30	THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES - Comedy, 30 min. Grannie and Jethro get in a heated argument regarding the merits of porcelain dentures.

2PM	LASSIE - Comedy, 30 min. Lassie must actively decide whether to save the Martin family from an angry swarm of yellow jackets which was purposefully stirred up when Timmie poured Lassie's entire clean water supply down their hole.

5PM	STAR TREK - Science fiction, 1 hr. In a rare, obstreperous mood, Mr. Spock uncorks a potent Vulcan Stink Bomb and blames Sulu.

	EVENING

7PM	THE WALTONS - Family, 1 hr. Walter Cronkite plays a down-on-his-luck bum who wanders up to the Walton home begging for a job. When the job turns out not to be one in which Cronkite announces the news and makes a seven-figure salary he moves on to greener pastures.

9PM	LAW AND ORDER - Police and Legal drama, 1 hr. A bird's eye view of a crime has everyone on edge.

LAW AND ORDER

A Bird in the Hand

INT. NYC DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE

JACK MCCOY IS PONDERING THE NEXT MOVE IN A TOUGH CASE. LT. VAN BUREN IS ALSO PRESENT.

MCCOY

I can't believe your people didn't come out of that apartment with something! But, ... NOTHING???

VAN BUREN

We got all we could. Briscoe wanted to open the guy's safe, but I wouldn't let him. I tol' him he jus' gotta leave that act behind!

MCCOY

(dismissing her vernacular)

Now how are we going to pin this murder on our suspect? Huh?

VAN BUREN

(squirming)

Jack, all there was left in the place after my guys tore it up was a funky old parrot. Just sqawking away. That bird wouldn't shut up.

MCCOY

(perking up)

Parrot? Parrot?? Well, why didn't you bring it in? Didn't it occur to you that it might be a witness?

VAN BUREN

Say what!?

MCCOY

Ah, duh! Parrots can talk, can't they? Maybe it saw what went down.

VAN BUREN

Went down?? What, went down the laundry chute!

MCCOY

(feeling patronized)

What happened, Lt. What happened! Can you be serious?

VAN BUREN

Hey, just trying to lighten the mood, Jack.

(gathering herself)

You can't actually believe a parrot could be hauled into court to testify.

MCCOY

Stranger things have happened, Lt. How about the time that monkey was called on to reinact that zoo stabbing! Huh? How 'bout that!?

VAN BUREN

Yes, but if I recall, that was just after sweeps week when the writers were off. And besides that, it was done to convict another monkey. Not to possibly get a human a death sentence.

MCCOY

Doesn't matter. Go get the parrot. I'll get a subpoena for you in case anybody gives you grief. Get Briscoe to go over there. Just have that bird in my office 8am sharp tomorrow morning. In his cage. Ready to talk. That's all, Lt.

VAN BUREN SHOOTS MCCOY A LOOK, EXITS AND IMMEDIATELY CALLS BRISCOE.

VAN BUREN

Lenny? You ain't gonna believe this! They want you to go get the bird.

BRISCOE

Who is this?

VAN BUREN

Lenny, it's Van Buren.

BRISCOE

Who? It's so loud in this Chucky Cheese I can't hear a thing.

VAN BUREN

(shouting)

LENNY. GET BACK HERE, PRONTO!

BRISCOE

You say, the back door's bonkers??? ... I can't hear you. Who is this? Call Detective Green or my other people.

VAN BUREN

(looking at her phone, muttering)

What a putz!