PLUMBER, JOHN BRIMMER, IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE ISSUE HE WAS CALLED TO REPAIR.

So, you're telling me that the clog, wherever it is, is not my problem?

No, sir. I said that the clog is not the problem.

Isn't that what I said?

No, you said it was not my problem. It is your problem, but I can't find it, so it's still the problem. Got it, now?

Fine! Just figure it out and fix it! I've got a room full of my buddies coming over soon for a big poker game. And you know at least a few of them are gonna need to use my crapper.

Don't you have three bathrooms?

Yes. Yes, I do. But tell me if I'm wrong: Isn't the clog way downstream of all three of them?

Yes, sir. It is.

Well!? The clog needs to be found. Why can't you find it?

(points to plumbing tool bag)

Your snake, there, it's got to be 100 ft. long!

How 'bout 70!?

Whatever. My pipes ain't 70 feet long! Am I paying you by the hour?

Where's your turn-off?

For the whole house?

(Brimmer gets a "duh" expression going)

Ah, yeah.

In the garage.

Can you show me where?

Why do you need to fool with the water supply?

Not the supply turn-off. The drain turn-off.

Why, I've never heard of such. Never. I don't have one of those.

Your house built after 1969?

Yes.

Then it's supposed to have one.

Well, I don't know where it would be. Where are they, usually?

Right next to the main outflow pipe. Where is that?

Are you putting me on?

Sir, if you can tell me where the pipes are we'll have a much easier time figuring out the clog. Which reminds me ... I have to take a whiz. Where is your john?

(getting peeved)

Haven't you been working in it all afternoon?!

Oh yeah. Well, hang on a few minutes, and I'll be right back.

Hey! We've got a clog! You can't use the bathroom now! Duh!

I got no choice. I could go outside if you want.

(thinking)

Ah, yeah! Just go out the back door and and turn left. There'a bare spot where my wife accidentally tossed out a whole bag of grass killer. You can't hurt anything there.

Be right back.

BIG JOHN HEADS ON OUT THE DOOR.

SMITH PEEKS IN JOHN'S TOOL BAG AND SEES A HAND SAW AND AN OTOSCOPE.

BIG JOHN COMES BACK IN, AFTER BEING OUTSIDE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.

Well, that took a while!

Yeah, there was a dog out there.

So! He didn't bother you, did he?

He was growling. I was afraid to do what I went out there to do.

But, you did though, right? You're ready to work now, right?

No. You get that dog away from me and I'll go out again.

(really ticked off)

Who's your boss? I want his number!

You called Big John's Plumbing, Etc. I'm Big John. I got no boss.

What's the "etc" part in your company's name for?

In case we, I mean, I, also need to do other things.

Like what?

I've done roof cleaning and a little carpentry.

Oh. Well, how about getting my clog tended to? Can you do that? Now? And why on earth do you have an otoscope in your bag?

What?! Why were you poking in my bag?

(laughing)

You a part-time ear doctor?

Maybe I am. If I was you, I'd go find that drain turn-off. The clock is running, Mr. Smith.

Now, tell me again ... why do need that? Why can't you get rid of my clog?

Can't find it. I know it's down in the ground. I know that.

Duh! Even I know that!

How do you know that? You a plumber?

No. A pediatrician.

Yeah, I used to be a Dr. too, but I had to get a job that paid better!

(chuckling)

Very funny.

Yeah. A Jerry Clower.

The clog? ... Please get to it! We haven't got all night!

To tell you the truth, I got nothing better to do right now. I'd just as soon be here. My wife is out of town. You know.

Well, my buddies will be over here shortly and I need the drains opened up.

What about we short-circuit it and cut the pipe before it goes in the ground and just run it out on the lawn. For now. I can come back later to fix it better?

Run what out on the lawn?

Well, you know. Whatever comes out of the drain.

Everything?

(beat, thinking)

Well, where could we make that happen? The drain pipe is over on the street side.

I know that. So?

But that's where the sidewalk comes from the driveway. Where they will be parking tonight.

I won't be a problem until the party's over. Then they can step over any stuff that's in the way. No biggie.

That's foul! Can you divert the pipe over toward the garden area instead?

Well, I could, but I have no PVC pipes on my truck.

And, you call yourself a plumber!

I am a plumber. Says so on my truck.

That's a hot one.

So, the diversion? Want me to do it?

Please get on it. We got about 10 minutes.

That's not enough time.

Listen, I've had it with you. Just go cut the pipe and then clear out. When are you coming tomorrow to finish it up right?

Ah, I've got another pluming job scheduled for tomorrow. Might be next week before I can come back.

Why does this not surprise me?

I need my $450 tonight, though. You know. And $100 for the other new pipes I need. I mean, you need.

SMITH HEARS HIS BUDDIES' CAR DOORS SHUTTING.

.

The money?

Can I give you an IOU?

Looks like you're gonna have to deal in an extra player, Dr. What's the pot usually like around here?