WALKER IS POURING COFFEE FOR THE OTHER SEVERAL LADIES.

SYLVIA CRUM IS PREPARING TO HAND OUT THE BUDGET FOR THEIR COOP ACTIVITIES.

OK, ladies. Here's the way it is. We have to collect nonpaid dues. I got here that four of you owe the group about a grand. Each! And we can't keep our discount formula buying program going without that money.

How can that be? There are only 'bout 8 or 10 of us. We have a storeroom full of diapers and tons of Similac. How short could be possibly be? That don't make any sense!

Have you looked in that storeroom lately? We used to have that stuff. We're scraping bottom on the Similac. A few dozen diapers left. And a pile of some old, horrid cloth ones.

(ticked off)

Well, I thought we had more.

Nope. 'Bout out.

Can you tell us who owes the money?

Sorry, I cannot.

Why?

Well, the bylaws say I cannot divulge such information. But, I will say, Brandy Jackson and Louise Delk are two of those who have probably have more cake in the wallets than they ought to.

I know I paid.

(to Crum)

I beg your pardon! I've got my canceled checks! Don't tell me I owe you money!

(slightly intimidated)

Well, Louise surely owes.

Well, I know I paid.

(scanning all other members)

Not me! I don't owe squat!

OK. All this aside for now, I believe I have an idea that may save us, regardless. It will cut our Similac costs to about nothing.

I still think that everyone should pay up before we do anything else!

I already paid my money.

(Jackson cuts Smith a hard stare)

Don't look at me, sucka!

Would you ladies please listen?!

(waits for calm)

I have carefully considered all of our options and I have discussed our situation with the local farmers.

Farmers?!? What do farmers have to do with what we are about?

If you give me a chance, I will tell you, Mrs. Smith!

I'm waiting ...

As I was saying ... Well, to make a long story short, I have decided that the easiest path forward for us, in order to cut our costs, is to buy and maintain a cow.

Say what?

Hear me out, please. We get a cow. We take turns milking it. We save all the milk. We cut the Similac cord. Forever. All we would need is a place to maintain the cow, its food and someone to do the milking. And have our babies get used to the unhomogenized mixture and a perennial onion twang to their milk.

(beat)

Well, what are your thoughts?

Do we get to change her name? I like Bossy Bovine. Cute, right?

(ignoring Walker)

Honey, I gave up milking-a-cow type work long ago! I ain't about to restart that.

I'm with her. We don't know anything about milking a cow, much less taking care of it.

I've already thought of that. We will cut a farmer in on the milk profits if he keeps our cow with his cows. Therefore, he does the feeding, he does the milking, except our cow, of course, he does the vaccinating - he does almost everything. We just need to chip in on the feed bill. In return, although someone would need to be at his barn twice a day at 4AM and again at 5PM and deal with our cow, we'd get all the milk we'd need for our babies. Voila!

Are you out of yo' mind? I am dead asleep at 4 o'clock in the morning! I think this cow idea is bad! Bad! And, a feed bill? Won't that just about be what we now pay for Similac, or more?! Wait, ... wait, are putting us on?

Putting you on? Absolutely not! To tell you the truth, I already bought in to Ned Sparks' jersey herd - we now own Bessie II, a 3 yr old solid milker. Ned said so.

Come on! Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with a cow. I'm out!

Me too. In case you hadn't already figured that out.

Out?! Maybe you two ought to rethink this thing. As president of our coop, I have the authority to make deals for the group. Says so in the bylaws. And the group must fall in line. Says that too. And, you are all part of the group! I'm sure the others not here today would think the cow is a grand idea. I would be in the group that will do the milking but my nails are to long to manage the equipment.

CRUM HOLDS UP HER RIDICULOUSLY LONG, CURLED AND PAINTED FINGERNAILS FOR ALL TO SEE.

Did you even consider the fact that you know nothing about milking a cow?! Nothing! You're going a long way to save a few bucks on Similac. And, don't think for a minute your nails are going to keep you in bed on your 4AM day! I got long nails too!

JACKSON HOLDS UP HER EVEN MORE RIDICULOUSLY LONG, CURLED FINGERNAILS FOR ALL TO SEE.

I'm doing good to take care of my morning business on the throne each day without slicing my hind parts up, if you know what I mean.

And anyway, I think I know something about milking. I did have an uncle who had a farm!

So that's what makes you capable of milking a cow?

I heard you don't even have to do it by hand. They've got a machine. It's easy. Sucks the milk right out. Easy peasy.

Who wants to get up with the roosters and be there to hook a cow up to a machine at 4AM? Who?

Hey, I tell you what, Brandy. Why don't you just pay your past due money and scram. Uh, and don't forget to take that stack of embarassing, cheap cloth diapers over there. I am sure those belong to you! Nobody here wants to use those pieces of crap. Do we, ladies?

CRUM SCANS THE OTHER WOMEN FOR VALIDATION.

.

What?! I'll have you know that those pieces of crap, as you called them, were hand made by my grandmother for our first child. Don't nobody knock my gramma!

(getting up)

You know what? I figure you ladies gonna do that cow thing about one time, then need to contact a slaughter house to even come close to breaking even!

Did I mention that I also bought a substantial life insurance policy on Bessie II? But, I guess one less beneficiary now.

Say what?