All rise.

JUDGE PUTZ STROLLS IN AND TAKES A SEAT BEHIND THE BENCH.

Baliff, what case is next?

Ah, case 45593, City versus Grampa Gammon. Windbreaking in public.

Is the defendant present?

Yes I am, your honor.

Your honor, I believe this man is NOT who he says he is.

(directing the question to the defendant)

Sir, is this true?

Your honor, I did use an alias to avoid embarrassment to myself.

(shaking his head)

You can't do that! What is your real name?

Ok. My real last name is Gamon. One "m", not two.

(turning to the D.A.)

I don't get it. What's the difference? Why does it matter?

My last name is Gammon. I know a true Gammon when I see one.

(shaking his head)

Let's get on with it, shall we?

D.A. TAKES A SEAT.

Mr. Gamon, are you defending yourself?

Sure am.

Mr. Gamon, please address the court as "your honor".

Ok.

Ok, what?

(looks somewhat puzzled)

Ok, that's good?

Mr. Gamon, please use the words "your honor". Do you understand?

Yeah.

Yeah, what?!

(leans to speak to Judge Putz)

Judge, we haven't got a lot of time here.

Please present you case, Mr. Gamon.

(Grampa Gamon gets up and walks up toward the bench)

Well, this is the way it happened. I was in the Tax Office over on Elm Street on Friday morning, November 12. I had not been feeling well for a few days before that. I was in line for what seemed like an hour or so. Those people are slow as Christmas. My stomach got to rumbling and I just had to let a few go. No noise, you understand. Well, I thought that things were just fine. I did notice a couple of people near me wobbling somewhat. I thought it was just that we all had been standing in line so long. I know I was certainly tired. All of a sudden this woman in front of me turns around and started cursing at me and holding her nose. I didn't smell anything.

I object! Subjective judgement.

Sustained. Mr. Gamon, you just think you didn't smell anything. Right?

No. I really didn't detect any bad odor. None!

Your Honor?

Mr. Gamon, can you please condense this story and refrain giving your own opinion of certain smells.

Anyway, this woman told me she was going to report me to the guard who was also in the room. And she did it, too. The guard, after listening to her story, came over to me. He grabbed my arm and ushered me to this room where I was strip searched and given an enima. That last part's the one I resented the most. I'm considering countersuing you people, you know.

I object. Your honor, this is crap! This guy is full of it.

I object to him calling my story crap.

Gentlemen, if you cannot contain yourselves I will lock you both up.

(beat)

Now, Mr. Gamon, are you finished?

Yeah.

(points to Gamon and the D.A.)

Would you two please approach the bench?

GAMON AND D.A. WALK TO BENCH

Gentlemen, I don't think the court needs to take up valuable time and public funds listening to this weak case. Now I have had gas the last few days myself. It ain't no picnic, if I may use the vernacular. Now, if the city will drop its case against Mr. Gamon here I'm sure that Mr. Gamon will try his best to refrain from getting into the same -

(the judge hikes up one of his butt cheeks and lets one rip - AAHHEERRTT!)

- situation again. Do we all agree?