Hello and welcome to Car Talk. We're Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers coming to you this week from -

Hey! Stop! Whoa! Can I take a guess?

Certainly, Tommy. Go ahead, take a guess. So, where are we today?

The Center for On-the-go Haircuts?

(laughs)

Wrong. We're coming to our audience this week from the Center for Deluxe Automotive Stick-on Appointments.

Oo! That reminds me of a letter I got this week about just such a subject. Do you mind?

Hey, Man. Can I stop you?

Dear Tom and Ray. You see whose name they put first, don't you?

(laughs)

Come on, read the letter.

Dear Tom and Ray. I recently fell in love with a wonderful woman and we plan to marry shortly. There's only one catch though. I have found out from a friend of hers that she is the owner literally of a whole barn full of old junk Checkers she has accumulated through the years which she refuses to part with. And, that the insurance policy on that collection is eating her alive. This friend intimated that she felt my fiance is doing this in hopes that the city of New York will one day be over a barrel for spare parts and have to come to her for them. Voila! A monopoly!

(laughs)

As I said, I love her but find the fact that she has intentionally hidden this situation from me troubling. Perhaps she wants to cash in and pocket the profits on the sly.

(long pause)

Is that it?! Not signed or anything?

No.

(laughs)

What was the point? I don't get it?

Me neither.

(laughs)

What the (censored) did you read that letter for? Didn't you have a better one? Honestly Tommy, let's not have any more of that kind of nonsense. I'm not kidding.

(miffed)

Ok!

Now. Let's get on with the show. Let's welcome our guest today. Mr. Linus Howell, Vice President of OEM, Inc.

CANNED APPLAUSE, LINUS WALKS OUT AND SITS DOWN

Mr. Howell, how are you doing?

Just fine. How are you boys?

Good.

(sits silently)

You'll have to excuse my brother Tommy, Mr. Howell. He's mad because I got after him for reading a ridiculous letter earlier.

Yes, I heard that. That was pretty ridiculous.

Thank you.

(looking at Tommy)

(squirming)

So, Mr. Howell, what's happening at OEM, Inc. anyway?

Well Ray, and Tom,

(looking at Tommy)

OEM is doing real well lately. As you know, we are only company still manufacturing the Ford Pinto Replicar kits. And they're selling like, to quote Lisa Douglas, from the TV show Green Acres, hots cakes!

(growing more active)

Did you want to speak - brother?

I don't think he has anything important to say.

(pulling Tommy's chain)

That's it! I must speak. Mr. Howell, do you actually think we believe you when you say that anyone would buy something so worthless and boring as a replica Pinto? Come on!

Mr. Tappet, are you always this rude to your guests?

He's ranting, Mr. Howell. Just ignore him.

Ranting? Ranting?! Wanting us to think that any American would be stupid and tasteless enough to lay out the bread to purchase such a nondescript replica car kit is beyond ridiculous!

(getting up)

That's all. Goodbye gentlemen, and I use the term loosely!

(walks off the stage)

You happy? Again you've driven off our only guest.

Yeah, but he was just too big a moron. Hey, how about the puzzler? Aren't you going to ask me if I remember last week's puzzler?

Ok, do you remember last week's puzzler?

No.

(laughs)

I didn't think so. We -

Wait! Was it something about haircuts?

(laughs)

No. Last weeks puzzler went like this. In 1943 -

Ooo, wait! Was it something about sleek black beauties?

(laughs)

No! Now listen. In 1943 -

Ooo, I know! Was it something about Crusty?

(laughs)

No! Shut the (censored) up Tommy while I do this!

Sorry.

(laughs)

Oh great. Now you've made me forget what last week's puzzler was!

Oh well, it doesn't matter. Let's take a call.

Hello, you're on Car Talk, the TV Show. Who is this?

(waits, then motions to producer to see why line is dead)

Is anyone there?

(to Tom and Ray in headsets)

No one has called up yet guys. Kill some more time.

Did we tell the folks about our new web page feature? The one that allows them to buy any number of left-over public TV give-away pieces of junk?

I don't think so.

(laughs)

Whoa! I see that you've wasted another perfectly good hour watching us, Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers. Our dean of the College of Musicology is Mr. Seetcheeks, our marriage counselor is Mr. Gigi, our staff lawyer if Skip Townes, our personal waitress is Phylis Glass, and our staff statistician is Lois Denominator.

Don't you have those names a little mixed up? I thought our legal staff was Dewey, Cheatham and Howe?

They were, but the estate of the late Moe Howard has forced us to stop with the trademark infringement on that name.

Huh?

Forget it. Until next week, don't drive like my brother.

Don't drive like my brother. My brother, Rufus, that is.

I thought Rufus was our half brother?

Whatever.