He took time out of his very busy schedule to be here with us. Please welcome, Mr. Santa Claus!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Now Santa, it's not nice to disparage our studio band's singers. But, I kid the fat man. A Jew can move into my neighboorhood. He can't! Budda bing!!

What? Man, I'm busy, so let's get on with it. And the name is just Santa Claus, not Mr. Santa Claus.

Very vell. Let's see, where do we start?! I -

You mean there's no organization to this show?! I can't be wasting my time on this type of thing if -

If you'll let me finish! ... Sheesh!

We're so happy to have you here on Christmas Eve.

OK. That's better.

A little stressed, huh, big fella?

Can we PLEASE get on with this?!

Alright! Gosh!

Did you bring any toys with you tonight?

Do you see any toys?

OK ... How about we go at this from another angle.

Fine by me.

Well, that was just a rhetorical question, Santa.

Do you know how much I have to do tonight?

I would guess, a lot.

A WHOLE lot! So, if we're about fin-

Now tell me sir, how did you come to take an interest in delivering toys to kids all over the world?

I fell into the job quite by accident. It all began when I accidentally died my long-johns red.

Really?

No! Come on!

Well, I didn't know. Wow, Claus, you sure are in a bad mood. I thought you were supposed to be jolly. What happend to that?

I'll tell you what happened to that. The elves got unionized, that's what.

And ...?

And I was lucky to get enough toys made during this past year for one country, let alone every country in the world!

Well, I'd imagine that the boys and girls in, for example, Kenya, don't expect real toys like the American kids do anyway. Don't they get a kick out playing with snakes and rocks and such?

I wish! No, no, they want regular toys also. Video games, Barbie's - it's all the same, world over.

How do they even know about Barbie dolls? Are you you putting me on?

Again, I wish! The kids in Africa are the most clued-in bunch of all. They know about not only the latest American electronic junk, but they also ask for the stuff from India. Radio controlled serpents are big in India and the African kids really want them. My problem is, I have no Chinese source for knock-offs of that crap. Now, here it is, Christmas Eve and I'm short. Not good!

Well, sounds like your supplier logistics are not where they ought to be, if you don't mind me saying that.

No, I don't mind. I've had worse things said about me than that!

Like what?

Like, "Santa's reindeer are flea-ridden". Stuff like that.

Well, technically, that's not saying anything about you, per se.

Hey! My reindeer and I are one. One! Or, is it me? My reindeer and me?

What? I don't-

Never mind. Doesn't matter. Nobody talks about them that way! Nobody!

And speaking of reindeer, I've got them all double-parked outside and I need to get back out there and get going. It's been a ball!

Well, Santa, we've had a blast too! Can you come back next year and visit us again? And maybe, next time, bring some toys to show us?

I wouldn't count on it. I will surely have better offers than this show.

Seeyure!

What does that mean? Is that some sort of TV talk?

What?

What does "seeyure" mean?

Ah, well, it means, sure did enjoy your visit, you big old bowl full of jelly!

How's about I leave you with a parting Christmas wish?

Well, Santa. That would be just swell!

May the elf of Christmas spread his joy throughout your home. May the spirit of the Christmas elves lift your hearts to the top of elfdom. May the elf of your memories become real. Or something like that.

Eh, is that about it?