(sniffing)

Lucy, do you smell something?

Huh?

I said, do you smell something?

Ricky! Honestly! That's so crude!

No, no honey. It wasn't me.

Don't you smell it?

(sniffing)

Yeah, yeah I do smell something. Smells kind of like old socks.

Hey, didn't Ethel say something about Fred adjusting the furnace or something?

I didn't hear her say anything like that.

ETHEL KNOCKS AND COMES INTO THEIR APARTMENT.

Hi Lucy. Hi Ricky.

Hi Ethel.

Hi Ethel, where's Fred.

Oh he's down in the basement fooling around with that old furnace.

(turning to look at Lucy)

See! I told you!

Ethel, what in the world is that smell?! Are you sure old Fred is still alive down there?

RICKY AND LUCY BELLY LAUGH.

Very funny! I just talked to him not five minutes ago. He was getting ready to sweep out the coal bin.

Coal bin?! Don't tell me in this modern age this building still has a coal bin! If so, why in the world are we paying such exorbitant rents?

Listen Lucy. You too Ricky. If I got into the accounting reasons why we need to get the rent we do we'd quickly be out of both your leagues. So, let's just let it suffice to say that we just do, that's all.

Oh no you don't! We're not going away that easily! We want to hear this so-called accounting stuff we wouldn't understand.

SOMEONE IS KNOCKING AT THE DOOR. RICKY GOES OVER TO OPEN THE DOOR. FRED, COVERED WITH SOOT, STANDS AT THE DOORWAY.

(Ethel walks to door)

Fred! Have you finished fixing that broken down furnace?

I have not! The fire chamber is about kaput! The whole thing could blow any time. I think I have turned it off.

You think?! Don't you know?

With that thing, you never know. I about blew myself up the other day. Anyway, I think that I'll probably be able to repair it in April or so.

But it's February! We'll freeze our butts! You have to do something Fred. You either suspend our rent payments or buy a new furnace - now!

Lucy, why don't you shut up! I guess Fred knows what he's doing.

Guess was the operative word there, Ethel. I don't think Fred has a clue how to fix that furnace. And I think you know it! I think you are just covering this whole thing up so the tenants won't mutiny.

Ok Fred, ok. Do you want me to go down and take a look for you?

(expressing disbelief)

You?! What the (censored) do you know about furnaces?

What the (censored) do you think I used to do before I became a famous entertainer and night club personality?

(sarcastically)

I give up.

He was a furnace fixer.

I was a furnace fixer.

(turns to give Lucy the "look" for answering for him)

I fixed more furnaces before I was ten than you have ever even seen, old man.

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

Why you Cuban greaseball, I oughta -

Now boys, let's calm down. Ethel and I don't want you two to start fist fighting or something.

Speak for yourself, Lucy. I wouldn't mind seeing a little fisticuffs.

Well, normally I would love to get a piece of you Rick but I've got to go fix the toilet in 12B.

Oh, a chicken, huh?

Who you calling chicken?!

Fred, that's who!

JUST THEN, A HUGE EXPLOSION IS HEARD AND BILLOWS OF BLACK SOOT SOON EMERGE FROM THE HEAT VENTS.

Well, I think it's working again.

Well, thank goodness. For a while there I thought Ricky was going to have to beat your brains out.

That's a laugh! That slimeball couldn't take my grandmother out!

EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS AT EACHOTHER AND LAUGHS.

ETHEL GOES OVER TO THE DOOR TO LEAVE.

Well, I guess we can go on home now. We'll see you two later.

THE MERTZES LEAVE.

Gee, honey. Maybe now would be a good time for us to go on that European vacation you have been promising me.

(to himself)

Maybe, when Cuba freezes over!

What's that, honey?

I said, maybe.